# How did you get your spouse to embrace the cruising life?



## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

Hello,

I am curious how many of the cruising couples here initially experienced reluctance from their partner concerning the cruising life. How did you approach the issue? What was the turning point in the situation?

My wife enjoys boating, but I am hoping that she will eventually agree to a long (over a year) cruise. (not in our current little boat)

I am committed to doing what I need to do to make this a smooth and natural progression for her. Also, I am willing to modify my expectations to accommodate her. Currently, I am limiting her exposure to passage making, and letting her meet me at anchorages and cruising grounds. 

I could really use some advice from the "old salt" couples out there!


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## ianjoub (Aug 3, 2014)

clmartin0721 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am curious how many of the cruising couples here initially experienced reluctance from their partner concerning the cruising life. How did you approach the issue? What was the turning point in the situation?


You would have to ask my wife those questions


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

hahah, put her on then....


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## denverd0n (Jun 20, 2008)

Started out with some ASA courses (be careful to pick an instructor that is "woman-friendly"). Moved to a couple of one-week, bareboat charters in easy areas like the BVI and Bahamas (our first bareboat charter, in the BVI, was "the best vacation ever" according to her). Moved up to longer charters. Eventually did charters where we made overnight passages (St. Pete to Dry Tortugas and back, island hopping from St. Vincent to Grenada and then all the way back in one shot). Now she's ready to go, as soon as our finances are in order.

Oh, and I would add... I made sure that she was really a part of the whole thing--from planning, to sailing, to docking, to whatever. In fact, she controls the helm more often than I do. No offense to anyone who might recognize themselves here, but I think the husbands who want to run everything--and basically only allow their wives to be winch grinders, or line handlers--are completely missing the boat. If their wife doesn't share the enthusiasm can you blame them?


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## RTB (Mar 5, 2009)

We left Kemah back in November, 2012. We are back in Texas for a while, after cruising the past two years (5000 miles). The nice thing is that you can do the ditch to Pensacola, Fl., so not too many offshore passages necessary getting to the Keys. The ICW is fun actually, and a good way to break your wife in. Cross to the Bahamas for your first gulfstream crossing, and enjoy beautiful water, snorkeling, and in general, the cruising life.

In my case, this was what we both wanted to do. I'm not sure how it will turn out, if you have to convince her to go. She really should want to do it, otherwise it could be a short trip. Best wishes!










Ralph


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

RTB

Good advice on the ICW....I had passed on that because I want to do the rhumb line passage and battle the sea, and all that. But I am going to seriously look into the ICW. My wife wants to do it, and she LOVES traveling and tropical areas....no problem there. I just would like to get her comfortable enough to do a multinight blue water crossing. But, there is plenty of time for that.

Denverdon,

I am kind of treating my boat as the "bareboat" charter by having my wife fly to meet me in Key West. So I am with you on that. The ASA route is a thought, I have taken some of the ASA courses, so I am familiar with the format. Good point on the woman friendly issue.


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## SVAuspicious (Oct 31, 2006)

clmartin0721 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am curious how many of the cruising couples here initially experienced reluctance from their partner concerning the cruising life. How did you approach the issue? What was the turning point in the situation?
> 
> ...


What passagemaking are you doing on a Grampian 26? What are you wife's lifestyle expectations?

My suggestions are:

- Sit down with your wife and tell her (if these are true) that you are interested in a longer cruise, you want her to come along, but that she is more important to you than this dream.

- Charter a larger boat somewhere beautiful for a couple of weeks.

- While there are many places for "baby steps" passagemaking is not one. I feel strongly that a four or five day hop is a better introduction to sailing offshore than an overnight. YMMV.

- Listen carefully to your bride's concerns and needs and address them. Don't argue with them or minimize them - address them. Build responsive solutions to her communication and comfort needs (for example) into your approach.

In our case Janet will sail passages with me if I need a hand but they aren't nearly as much fun for her as for me. Generally I sail (with crew) and she flies. Then we cruise and island hop. This works for us.


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## Yorksailor (Oct 11, 2009)

We have been sailing together for 11 years and cruising for 7 years and one of the biggest issues my wife hears on other boats is that the male did not learn to sail and navigate sufficiently well to make the wife feel safe. She will not enjoy if you scare her every time you go out.

Your wife needs to learn to be safe and competent in her own right. When we go in a new marina and they ask if I am the Captain I reply..."No I am the mechanic, the Captain is the Lady driving the boat!"

The other issue is comfort...my wife did not enjoy my 31 ft,18 knot tri but loves our big cruising boat.

Get her to enroll in the "Women who Sail" on Facebook...lots of positive feedback there.

Good luck Phil


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

> - While there are many places for "baby steps" passagemaking is not one. I feel strongly that a four or five day hop is a better introduction to sailing offshore than an overnight. YMMV.


This is an interesting point, can you elaborate on why? I have never thought to take this route.



> - Charter a larger boat somewhere beautiful for a couple of weeks.


I have a specific reason for not doing this yet, tell me what you think. I want her to focus on the results of cruising vs. on the mode at this point. She is OK with the boat we have, and she has been very involved in desiging / decorating the cabin, choosing the exterior color scheme, sewing some of the canvas, ect. If I take her on a "fill in the blank" 40' palace, she may start to focus on the difference between the experience _in the different boats_ vs. focusing on the experience _outside of the boat_. I want her to see the sights, feel the sense of community cruisers share, without "boat envy". I realize that the boat is an integral part of the cruising life, but I was hoping to focus on that a little later in the journey.

Initial trips are Cruising in the Keys, Bahamas, and Cancun / Cozumel. Three separate trips of about 3 weeks each not counting passage time.


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## MikeOReilly (Apr 12, 2010)

My spouse is fully engaged, and as rarin' to go as I -- some days, even more so . We discovered the cruising life more or less at the same time, but it's certainly true that I glommed onto it quicker than she. A few things seemed to be vital for us to move together with this.

• Early on we both took sailing/cruising courses (CYA here in Canada). We took our initial cruising course together, but after that we did our intermediate and advanced courses seperately. This gave us both the opportunity to develop some sailing skills independent of the other. 

• We've done all the planning together. From picking our boat, to deciding when and how to pull the plug on the land-life, we've worked hand-in-hand (so to speak ). We make sure our choices satisfy both our needs -- always. 

• Finally, we approach sailing and cruising as a team. There's no "captain" and "admiral" for us. We both do everything. That's not to say we each don't have strengths and weaknesses, but I'm as likely to be found in the galley cooking as she is to be seen doing an oil change.

So from my experience I would say do it together. I don't think of accommodating my spouse, or about getting her to embrace something. What's worked for us is honestly moving forward together.


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

Yorksailor



> one of the biggest issues my wife hears on other boats is that the male did not learn to sail and navigate sufficiently well to make the wife feel safe. She will not enjoy if you scare her every time you go out.


ABSOLUTLEY agree on this point....it is the same in aviation. Fortunately, this hasn't been an issue, I have taken great pains to make sure she feels safe, and I haven't seen any indication that she feels otherwise. This is one of the main reasons behind my incremental approach to expanding my sailing "envelope", so to speak. Sorry....too many years in aviation.


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

> So from my experience I would say do it together. I don't think of accommodating my spouse, or about getting her to embrace something. What's worked for us is honestly moving forward together.


Very well put, sir.

All good points.


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## Yorksailor (Oct 11, 2009)

Stick to the Bahamas and the Keys, Cancun is not easy to get to in a small boat. Going south the Yucatan Straights can be very uncomfortable in Winter and Spring and definitely not a place to be in hurricane season.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/WomenWhoSail/

Phil


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## overbored (Oct 8, 2010)

clmartin0721 said:


> This is an interesting point, can you elaborate on why? I have never thought to take this route.
> 
> I have a specific reason for not doing this yet, tell me what you think. I want her to focus on the results of cruising vs. on the mode at this point. She is OK with the boat we have, and she has been very involved in desiging / decorating the cabin, choosing the exterior color scheme, sewing some of the canvas, ect. If I take her on a "fill in the blank" 40' palace, she may start to focus on the difference between the experience _in the different boats_ vs. focusing on the experience _outside of the boat_. I want her to see the sights, feel the sense of community cruisers share, without "boat envy". I realize that the boat is an integral part of the cruising life, but I was hoping to focus on that a little later in the journey.
> 
> Initial trips are Cruising in the Keys, Bahamas, and Cancun / Cozumel. Three separate trips of about 3 weeks each not counting passage time.


the boat needs to be comfortable for her and women do not suffer from boat envy. boat envy is a guy thing. women cruise on a boat, men cruise on their very new big faster then yours boat. he who has the biggest anchor wins, right? Cruise with her interest in mine not what you think her interest is. you will be a much happier crew that way.


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## tdw (Oct 2, 2006)

YorkSailor nailed it. 

Biggest mistake some blokes make is to set out to impress by sailing the boat on its ear. Wrong wrong wrong. One sail on an evening of the full moon was all it took for the Wombet. Other than that try and make the boat inviting to be on board. I don't mean pretty the thing up with a load of schmaltzy chintz just neat, tidy and comfortable. 

Nowadays the Wombet is if anything more keen than I am to get down to the boat even if all we do is putter around the corner to a nearby but generally very quiet anchorage and kick back for a few days.


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## Donna_F (Nov 7, 2005)

clmartin0721 said:


> ... I want her to focus on the results of cruising vs. on the mode at this point...


My first question is why are YOU deciding what SHE should focus on? Let her make up her own mind by simply including her in your training/research/trips, etc. Let her do whatever you do or let her choose not to. Over time she'll figure out what feels natural to her, what she wants to learn more about, what SHE wants to focus on to help make this dream a partnership.

I'd have a serious issue with my partner saying to me "This is my dream for us, and for now I want you to learn this [insert whatever] in order to help me obtain it." We bought the boat together. He has his comfort areas, I have mine. I chose to learn the things that he's more comfortable doing and vice versa. Neither one of us made the decision for the other.

That's not to say that there were some areas in which I wanted him to become more comfortable and I've ranted about them here. But in the end it was his decision to learn more.


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## MikeOReilly (Apr 12, 2010)

DRFerron said:


> My first question is why are YOU deciding what SHE should focus on? Let her make up her own mind by simply including her in your training/research/trips, etc. Let her do whatever you do or let her choose not to. Over time she'll figure out what feels natural to her, what she wants to learn more about, what SHE wants to focus on to help make this dream a partnership.


Thanks Donna. This what I was rather clumsily trying to say as well. For my spouse and I, it can't be about one person's dream, and the other person coming along for the ride. It's about engaging together in a shared life. I even chafe a bit over this notion that _I_, the big strong man, have to make it safe and comfortable for _her_. What works for us is that we make it safe and comfortable for BOTH of us.

I do think there is a difference between those of us who see cruising as a lifestyle vs an activity. If the latter, then it's fine to make it yours, and bring her along for the ride when possible. But for us, cruising is a lifestyle choice. It has to be a shared plan, otherwise I can't see how it can be sustainable over the long run.


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## SVAuspicious (Oct 31, 2006)

clmartin0721 said:


> SVAuspicious said:
> 
> 
> > While there are many places for "baby steps" passagemaking is not one. I feel strongly that a four or five day hop is a better introduction to sailing offshore than an overnight. YMMV.
> ...


Oh man. Asking me to elaborate on something means you haven't read my posts here. *grin*

First, vocabulary is important. The problem that I have seen time and again is that people take a short trip, an overnight hop from Florida to the Bahamas, Newport RI to Cape May NJ, Charleston SC to Beaufort NC, or similar and are so charged up with adrenalin that they get no rest and the entire exercise is exhausting. I'll be the first to recognize that there is excitement about leaving port. Especially on a shorthanded boat the offwatch HAS to get rest early, and the "skipper" has to let go and become a collaborator, not a "boss." You need enough time to make that happen and get in the groove. Ft Lauderdale to Norfolk in the Gulf Stream works. So do Newport to Bermuda, Norfolk to Marsh Harbour, or any number of other four or five day jumps. With experience you'll get in the groove in half a day, but in the beginning it will take you more time, possibly much more time.

That still doesn't say everyone will have fun, but at least you'll have an honest perspective on what passages are about. It may be that you'll end up island hopping with an overnight here or there as your longest uninterrupted jumps. Fine. Your wife may really get into passages (you never know) and you'll end up circle the planet. You'll just have to see. You may be the one that ends up not getting into passage making. You have to try to see. An overnight is just an overnight. It isn't a passage.



clmartin0721 said:


> SVAuspicious said:
> 
> 
> > Charter a larger boat somewhere beautiful for a couple of weeks.
> ...


I agree with the posts above about not trying to guide your wife's experience. Share everything, thoughts, dreams, fears, concerns and grow in your experience together. I support the Women in Sailing Facebook group idea. Check out the INI material at Seven Seas U . Be honest with yourselves and each other about your lifestyle expectations and make your decisions together.

A 30-something foot monohull in the BVI or Bahamas to develop the island experience could easily contribute a huge amount to the expectations of BOTH of you and what a cruising lifestyle could mean.

Depending on your location and schedule I strongly recommend attending an SSCA Gam (see Welcome to the Seven Seas Cruising Association ) to meet other cruising couples and families to get first hand information from lots of people out there cruising, each in their own way, meeting their own needs.

It is not my intent to give you "the answers," simply to guide you toward finding _your_ answers in _your_ way.


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

DRFerron



> My first question is why are YOU deciding what SHE should focus on?


Firstly, so you know. We have been married for 34 years, from the age of 19 till now. We both know each other very well, and we trust each other to help in our areas of expertise. We passed the point of worrying WHO was making the decision long ago, what matters is the REASON the decision is being made and if it is of benefit to our shared goals. Also this is not a decision as much as it is a measured guide. As an instructor pilot, I make decisions on what my students should focus on in order to get them to the point where they can safely make their own. And make no mistake, having too much boat too quick IS a safety issue. As she becomes more comfortable with the lifestyle, I will make sure she has everything she wants / needs to become as self sufficient as possible. I want her to be able to handle any aspect of the boat without my involvement. This is also a safety issue.



> Let her make up her own mind by simply including her in your training/research/trips, etc. Let her do whatever you do or let her choose not to. Over time she'll figure out what feels natural to her, what she wants to learn more about, what SHE wants to focus on to help make this dream a partnership.


You may have missed in my previous post the statements I made concerning her involvement. She has been very involved in the fitting out of the boat, And she is always raring to go out. As for what she may or may not want to learn about...I disagree with that. When you learn to fly, you may not WANT to learn to navigate without a GPS, or want to learn the performance aspects of your aircraft, but you HAVE to do it to be a safe, responsible pilot. I have heard of plenty of stories of a cruising partner being in a perilous situation because the other partner had become inoperative, and the operative partner lacked the skills / knowledge to handle the situation. So certain things have to be learned by both to go forward. This is why I let her handle the boat so much. But yes, there are times based on my experience that I have to decide what she needs to know or learn.



> I'd have a serious issue with my partner saying to me "This is my dream for us, and for now I want you to learn this [insert whatever] in order to help me obtain it." We bought the boat together. He has his comfort areas, I have mine. I chose to learn the things that he's more comfortable doing and vice versa. Neither one of us made the decision for the other.


There are plenty of things that I let HER decide for me. And actually, HER decisions will dictate if this is a go or a no-go long term. As the owner of a fairly good sized business, it always amuses me when people are SO opposed to someone else making a decision for them, especially in an area they may not have exposure to. In my experience, EVERY project and venture that I have seen that was run by committee has FAILED. There has to be a decision maker. This is why our marriage is still going strong after all these years, because a high performance team has an innate understanding of give and take concerning decision making, and TRUSTS one another when decisions are made. YMMV

My questions were centered around the process of getting your cruising partner comfortable and up to speed in order to facilitate some bigger final decisions.


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## Donna_F (Nov 7, 2005)

Gift suggestion:

_Changing Course: A Woman's Guide to Choosing the Cruising Life_ by Debra Cantrell (Aug 12 2003)

Written by a woman whose husband proposed living and cruising on a boat and she wasn't entirely sold on the idea.

I second Dave's *Women in Sailing* Facebook group. I belong. When I first joined a woman was posting who was extremely nervous about her first overnight sail to the Bahamas. She reached out to the group to express her fears. She and her husband were leaving in hours and expecting to sail through the night to arrive in late morning. Many women who had already done the trip gave her tips, compassion, virtual back rubs, told her about their first time, etc. After they made sure she was safely on her way the mood changed to how almost all of them were scared ****less their first time but didn't want to turn the woman into even more of a basket case. The thread gave me a warm feeling that I wasn't alone.

Also, it helped to bring my partner into the mindset by introducing him to people who are out there doing it. We joined SSCA and attended gams where he could talk to others and begin to feel that the lifestyle wasn't so alien after all. I introduced him to and we socialize with SailNetters who are living the lifestyle. He's feeling comfortable enough now that he's fully on board with the Next Boat and OUR plans for it.


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## titustiger27 (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm halfway through "Living the Dream: Sailing the South Pacific and Southeast Asia," by Vern and Connie Madison, if you are a reader... the beginning might be insightful.

His wife had a fear of sailing... but they started slowly and they did things that would neutralize her fears.. They bought a steel boat because she felt safer. They started slow. When things went wrong, they made sure they didn't happen again... like he fell overboard early on... but had hold of the boat and was able to drag himself in... so they would always tether in during rough seas.

My thought in reading it was there would always be things that were difficult for the wife, like being out of sight of land for 10 days, so they made sure they had the best weather windows... and that would fail, but safety first helped.


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

> I do think there is a difference between those of us who see cruising as a lifestyle vs an activity. If the latter, then it's fine to make it yours, and bring her along for the ride when possible. But for us, cruising is a lifestyle choice. It has to be a shared plan, otherwise I can't see how it can be sustainable over the long run.


Well put. That is the point, the decision on which approach we are taking hasn't been made yet. We will make that together over time.

This is the point for everyone to remember concerning our situation....We are making the decision TOGETHER, I am not dictating it. The only area of "unknowingness" on her part is the passagemaking on bluewater. Everything else is fine. I am not dictating anything to her, but I want take this whole thing in a controlled fashion.

As I said before, if she doesn't want to do this, I will rework my plans and expectations to suit her, I have already committed to this.


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

> I'm halfway through "Living the Dream: Sailing the South Pacific and Southeast Asia," by Vern and Connie Madison, if you are a reader... the beginning might be insightful.
> 
> His wife had a fear of sailing... but they started slowly and they did things that would neutralize her fears.. They bought a steel boat because she felt safer. They started slow. When things went wrong, they made sure they didn't happen again... like he fell overboard early on... but had hold of the boat and was able to drag himself in... so they would always tether in during rough seas.
> 
> My thought in reading it was there would always be things that were difficult for the wife, like being out of sight of land for 10 days, so they made sure they had the best weather windows... and that would fail, but safety first helped.


Exactly the point. Thank you.


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

> A 30-something foot monohull in the BVI or Bahamas to develop the island experience could easily contribute a huge amount to the expectations of BOTH of you and what a cruising lifestyle could mean.


This is what I am trying to come to grips with. Is there a reason we wouldn't want to use our boat. She is being TOTALLY refit, and has a completely rebuilt interior designed by my wife. I would think she would see it as an insult to suggest we ditch our boat in favor of a rental. Not to mention the freedom of schedule concerns with our own boat. What am I missing here?

BTW, thank you for your input.


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

> Gift suggestion:
> 
> Changing Course: A Woman's Guide to Choosing the Cruising Life by Debra Cantrell (Aug 12 2003)
> 
> ...


I will get the book today, that is exactly what I was looking for, thank you.

Also, thank you for you responses, I really appreciate your input....even if I seemed a little testy on my previous post


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## Multihullgirl (Dec 2, 2010)

I believe that DLFerron (Donna) has been the only female to answer thus far. I'm another female who'll suggest that you should really be having this conversation with your wife.

Just tell her that you love the cruising/sailing life, you love her, you want her in the life with you, and what can you (clmartin) do to interest her in the life? And LISTEN to her answers...


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## SVAuspicious (Oct 31, 2006)

clmartin0721 said:


> This is what I am trying to come to grips with. Is there a reason we wouldn't want to use our boat. She is being TOTALLY refit, and has a completely rebuilt interior designed by my wife. I would think she would see it as an insult to suggest we ditch our boat in favor of a rental. Not to mention the freedom of schedule concerns with our own boat.


It depends on what you want to accomplish. If you want to explore passagemaking by all means use your own boat. If you want to explore island hopping a charter boat has a lot to offer. People go on holiday and stay in hotels without any insult to the homes they have built.


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## MedSailor (Mar 30, 2008)

clmartin0721 said:


> I will get the book today, that is exactly what I was looking for, thank you.


_The cruising woman's advisor_, by Diana Jessie is my wife's favorite.

Medsailor


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## travlin-easy (Dec 24, 2010)

To my wife, a long cruise is four days - and while I would love her to enjoy living aboard the boat as much as I do, it just ain't gonna happen. Even when the boat was a 75-foot motor yacht, which was essentially a converted PT Boat, living aboard was not in the cards. Lately, though, she has seen some luxury sailboats that she would consider living aboard, but that word consider comes into play a lot. 

One of the problems is her general health is not at all good, bad knees, bad back, etc... All of those things are a big, negative factor. And, after 52 years of nuptial bliss, she's still the person that makes these kind of decisions. So, I get to live aboard for short term cruises of six months or so, and she comes to visit once in a while.

Good luck,

Gary


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

To all who replied,

Thank all of you for your input. I have found much in the way of actionable information.

And a special shout out to the ladies who responded, thank you. And I want everyone to know that this conversation is in ADDITION to the ongoing dialog with her, not instead of it


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## RTB (Mar 5, 2009)

clmartin0721 said:


> The only area of "unknowingness" on her part is the passagemaking on bluewater. Everything else is fine. I am not dictating anything to her, but I want take this whole thing in a controlled fashion.


My wife was the same, so taking this slow (in a controlled fashion) is very smart on your part. Has your wife been offshore at all, in your boat or something similar? When we left, my wife's first time offshore was going from Pensacola to Destin, a day hop. She was pretty freaked actually, and I was afraid she might want to quit once we got back inside. It was white knuckle time for her in 10-15 knots and 2-3' seas. Granted, the periods were very short (3 seconds), it was a beat, and it got a little bumpy at times. She didn't bail. Next was Destin to Panama City with similar conditions. She was better. Next was Panama City to Port St. Joe on a nice day, with motoring. By then she was getting more comfortable. We went inside to Apalachicola and on to Carrabelle on the bay. Next was our first overnighter. Carrabelle to Clearwater Beach, about 150-160 miles and no land in sight for most of those miles. It was cold, but a full moon and a bazillion stars, dolphins escorting us along. With no autopilot, we did 2 hour watches dressed in all the warm cloths we had, while the other was below cuddled up in a blanket getting warm. I think we both remember that first overnighter with very fond memories.

My wife did great, and is quite comfortable offshore now. Just do your homework and be careful with your weather. You don't want to scare her. You will find your "comfort zone" eventually, and it changes as the experience comes along.

Ralph


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## JonEisberg (Dec 3, 2010)

MedSailor said:


> _The cruising woman's advisor_, by Diana Jessie is my wife's favorite.
> 
> Medsailor


DRAGGED ABOARD, like pretty much everything Don Casey has written, is another worthwhile read...


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## travlin-easy (Dec 24, 2010)

Med Sailor, I just ordered the book for my wife. She probably won't read it, though.

Gary


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## RTB (Mar 5, 2009)

As mentioned previously, the group "Women Who Sail" (on FB) is quite active with newbies, as well as experienced women to help out. So, what is your wife thinking, Captain?

_Ok here goes. I've posted before about this being our first trip and me being scared out of my sunscreen some days. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVISE! We have to make the crossing from carrabelle to ? We do not have auto pilot and I am not comfortable steering by myself for any length of time. What destination should we shoot for? Has anybody ever went around the armpit? What's the shortest and safest crossing we could make? And if anybody would want to hop on the boat and help my husband make the crossing, I would gladly drive their car down for them! Help please!
_


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## travlin-easy (Dec 24, 2010)

You are in a great location to make some nice, short hops, places where you can find a safe, sheltered anchorage every night, watch some beautiful sunsets, and not have a worry in the world about the weather. You could easily go to the Florida Keys in that 36 footer and cross to the Bahamas without even worrying about it. The boat can handle a lot more than you might think it can. You have a lots of great opportunities to explore one of the most incredible places in the world - the Florida coast and Keys.

All the best,

Gary


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

> Med Sailor, I just ordered the book for my wife. She probably won't read it, though.


Ditto:laugher


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## titustiger27 (Jan 17, 2013)

travlineasy said:


> Med Sailor, I just ordered the book for my wife. She probably won't read it, though.
> 
> Gary





clmartin0721 said:


> Ditto:laugher


How about an audio book that you play while you take your wife shopping.


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## chuck5499 (Aug 31, 2003)

i can only tell you what worked for us and we have been full time cruisers 8 years now. i will also try and get her to answer but doubt she will. 

we took asa lessons together and the capt made us work as a team and we have been ever since, we bought the only boat we have ever owned together, she had a lot of input as to whay she wanted but i had a bit more as we opted for a heavy well constructed go anywhere boat. we ened up with a jeanneau ds40. we do our planning together on where to go and my first suggestion to sail across the atlantic was see you on the other side. we just sailed more and she met other ladies who had done the crossing and when i suggested we cross she was on board. 

we never push our boat hard ie try and get the last tenth of a knot out of her. our boat does not like to heel in the first place so if she gets above 15% she begins to bulk. our normal is to not exceed 15% and if we get above 10% sustained we may reef a bit and get good speed yet a comfy ride. ourboat is beamy with a shoal draft keel. she went out with another woman who decided to put the rail in the water on her boat and when she came to our boat she said if i ever tried that i would be sailing alone. 

now a bit of thoughts on your situtation.

1. cruising is not all the glossy mags make it out to be. we have set for days on end in rainy squally weather. it is one thing on a 40' boat it is something entirely different on a 26' boat. i agree with those who suggest a charter to try out different boats and see what she likes and is comfortable with. 

2. not sure why you want to do 4-5+ days off shore. in 8 years we have done very few of these. i think fla to isla mejeuas was 3+days. we did a couple of longer sails from the north bahamas to the carolinas. 5 days panama to jamaica, 21 days across the atlantic, 5 days i think azores to portugal. we do overnights and long sails but why? and what would we be missing if we did? 

3. not to harp on it but i and my admiral think your boat is a tad small for long term sailing. suggestion would be to take it down the icw to say port royal sound and then jump outside to say ferdenian beach (i think north of st augustine) or jacksonville and if things are going well on down to west palm or miami. you can get out and yet still have places to bail. we go all the way to miami as we really dislike the icw south of port royal. and by the way go down the great dismal and stop for a couple of days at elizabeth city. you will have a chance to meet all types of cruisers from around the world and they will all talk with you and e city is kwel. 

4. go to the bahamas for a couple of weeks and begin to understand the lifestlye and meet other cruisers. we are big family out here and willing to share with anyone willing to truely listen. you both will learn a lot. 

by the way i personally have no ego nor does my manhood get questioned if we get out sailed. i remember one day in the eastern carib we were doing an early morning sail between 2 islands with plans to be in before noon. we had great sailing and the admiral went before and made bacon and eggs and fruit breakfast for us. we had good winds and had reefed a bit to stay a bit flatter but our speed was still about 6k. another smaller boat we knew came out about 30-45 minutes behind us and had full main, full jib and stay sail up and really heeled quite a bit to try to make it in before us. he got in just before us and bragged about hoe he outsailed us, we laughed as we had a comfy sail as he did not (spoke to his crew later) and ate a nice bkfast (they could not make coffee). 

if you want pm me with your email and my admiral can talk with your admiral direct.


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## bljones (Oct 13, 2008)

overbored said:


> boat envy is a guy thing. .


Nope. Boat envy is an equal opportunity affliction. If she doesn't like the current boat, or if there is some aspect she doesn't like about the current boat,if she is not fully and truly invested in the current boat and appreciate the current boat, then sailing on a newer bigger, brighter, shinier, quicker boat with a shower and hot water will make the current smaller, slightly shabbier, less equipped, slower, more tender boat seem ... less.
and then you are either boat shopping or cruising solo.


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## denverd0n (Jun 20, 2008)

MikeOReilly said:


> ...it can't be about one person's dream, and the other person coming along for the ride. It's about engaging together in a shared life.


Well put.


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## Pegu club (Jun 10, 2012)

I just put my foot down and told her how it was gonna be.....
I know you all believe me right? 


Actually I lucked out in a big way, the admiral was on board from the get go, she does everything I do and more, has equal input on any topic, this is very important. We have a rule, the most conservative voice wins when ever there is a question on when and where to sail when feeling safe is an issue. 
I would like others have stated, have a conversation with her, DO NOT minimize any concerns she may have. She needs to be in control over how to grow into being an integral part of the crew, you guys after all need to be a "TEAM", this does not mean that you don't supply help/ enthusiasm through the process.

Take your time do it right, have way to much fun laughing and learning together.


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## SVAuspicious (Oct 31, 2006)

JonEisberg said:


> DRAGGED ABOARD, like pretty much everything Don Casey has written, is another worthwhile read...


I definitely agree. See Dragged Aboard: A Cruising Guide for a Reluctant Mate: Don Casey: 9780393046533: Amazon.com: [email protected]@[email protected]@http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/517JCnU%[email protected]@[email protected]@517JCnU%2BZZL

I read _Dragged Aboard_ before I finalized the specifications for Auspicious. I was single at the time but I wanted to be sure I hadn't missed anything that would become a sore spot in future relationships. I was also fortunate to have some very patient and tolerant female friends who also read the book and shared their perspectives. Most of them said something like "I still think you're crazy but here is what it sounds like to me ...." *grin* My lady friends were also tortured with fabric swatches and patterns. *sigh*

It sounds like the OP has included his partner in design and outfit decisions - great.

I think what you will both find is some of the things you think will be important to you may turn out not to be. Go ahead and sail the heck out of your Grampian. Do some charters to broaden your perspective on what is important. Reading should be for information and options and not with the expectation of "the answer."

There are lots of answers out there. Some are definitely bad. *grin* Many are right, but you don't need _all_ the "right" answers - just the ones that are right for you both.


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## Rhapsody-NS27 (Apr 8, 2012)

I've told my wife that I wanted to cruise or at least start with some overnights at anchor. She's not a fan of those ideas and thinks a day trip for a couple hours is good enough. I showed her the boat once, other than pictures, and she likes it. Just that day, I wasn't able to take her sailing. She doesn't know anything about sailing and think it's too dangerous to overnight at anchor.

My approach is to at least get her to know enough to handle the boat in case something were to happen to me. That way, she can get closer to help if needed. If I can get her to understand that reason to learn something beyond just going along for the ride, then it'll be up to her on what to learn next.

Small trips to get her comfortable and a matter of asking her what else she wants to do.


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## MedSailor (Mar 30, 2008)

chuck5499 said:


> by the way i personally have no ego nor does my manhood get questioned if we get out sailed. i remember one day in the eastern carib we were doing an early morning sail between 2 islands with plans to be in before noon. we had great sailing and the admiral went before and made bacon and eggs and fruit breakfast for us. we had good winds and had reefed a bit to stay a bit flatter but our speed was still about 6k. another smaller boat we knew came out about 30-45 minutes behind us and had full main, full jib and stay sail up and really heeled quite a bit to try to make it in before us. he got in just before us and bragged about hoe he outsailed us, we laughed as we had a comfy sail as he did not (spoke to his crew later) and ate a nice bkfast (they could not make coffee).


Oh! I see you've met JamesWilson. He is a member here... or was. 

Medsailor


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## Caribbeachbum (Feb 23, 2014)

This is a wonderful question, but I suspect there are almost as many answers as there are cruising couples. For us, well...

My wife was immediately smitten by the escape that the voyaging life would entail. She quickly came to see the appeal of the grand adventure as well. It took weeks-to-months of talking about it and thinking about it, but she totally came around.

Sort of. She had a quite substantial fear of the unknown to overcome. But worse, she was (and somewhat remains) terrified of the big, complicated machine that a sailboat is. She won't even drive a big car -- she has a Mini-Cooper.

Much was her idea. We:

(1) Spent a weeklong vacation in Charleston living on a 44' production boat and taking ASA sailing lessons. She's certified to skipper a bareboat charter now...
(2) We did #1 with another couple, and critically, for the first half of the week, the wives took sailing lessons on a separate boat from the husbands. Most everyone involved thought this was a good idea beforehand; everyone was stunned at just how good the idea turned out to be, perhaps especially so the instructors, who told us horror stories about other couples they'd taught.
(3) Back home in Nashville, we bought a small sailboat on one of our monstrous freshwater reservoirs to practice on. We go out anytime the temperature is over 60 and there's a breeze. We push this boat hard, and even knowingly do dumb things, in order to make a lot of the beginner mistakes here rather than on our big boat out at sea.

She's still askeered of the big, complicated machine, but now it's a respectful and knowing fear, rather than terror of the unknown. And she is now fully on-board with the idea, and fully involved in shopping for our big cruising boat of the future. Almost every day now, as our schedule winds down, she has some form of the statement "I'm so ready to go."

Me too.


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## clmartin0721 (Feb 18, 2013)

To Chuck,



> We never push our boat hard ie try and get the last tenth of a knot out of her. our boat does not like to heel in the first place so if she gets above 15% she begins to bulk. our normal is to not exceed 15% and if we get above 10% sustained we may reef a bit and get good speed yet a comfy ride. our boat is beamy with a shoal draft keel. she went out with another woman who decided to put the rail in the water on her boat and when she came to our boat she said if i ever tried that i would be sailing alone.


I totally agree with this and this is the way we sail now.



> Not sure why you want to do 4-5+ days off shore.


I was thinking of a Rhumb line from Galveston to Key West, but I have since ditched that idea in favor of smaller hops in the ICW.



> not to harp on it but i and my admiral think your boat is a tad small for long term sailing.


Totally agree. Not only is it too small, there are some design issues that render it less than optimum. The longest I ever expected to be on the boat as a couple is 3-4 weeks in the islands. I am already beginning to look as I want to be able to take my time on the decision process. I like your route ideas, and I am putting them in my route planning book now.

I will PM you with our individual email addresses. Thanks for the offer.


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## Faster (Sep 13, 2005)

Late to this party... my wife was a reluctant, fearful sailor when we started 34 years ago. Early on, being willing to turn around on a particularly windy day and try again another time helped.. eventually we worked up to comfort levels with sailing in bigger breezes.

But the turning point for her was the first time we took a 'week long' cruise.. That was what sealed the deal for her. She still loves the harbours, the different places, harbour hopping, beach walks, hikes etc. We spend 6-8 weeks every summer now doing just that. 

We've also had the good fortune to have friends with boats in warm places and have done the Eastern Caribbean from Barbuda to Grenada, and a little bit on the Mexican Pacific coast and those trips were also all good experiences.

Interestingly, these days she's less intrepid and has developed a real 'rapids' anxiety, which is problematic given the tides and the topography of our waters north of Desolation. What helps in that aspect is travelling with others, in small flotillas. I guess she feels we're 'not alone' and help would be near if needed. Whatever, fine with me, and when it comes right down to it staying close to home is no hardship either - we're very lucky to live in an exceptional cruising area.


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## joyinPNW (Jan 7, 2013)

Interesting thread! My husband probably had similar questions 5 years ago when he wanted me to start sailing with him on a small sailboat we had purchased. I'd go out with him once a week, but the vocabulary curve and sailing techniques were frustrating to learn. But, sailing made him so happy that I stuck with it.

We joined a local sailing society and before long, I saw the bigger picture: here was a group of people, men & women, who were not only sailing, but doing it together and having adventures along the way! We started crewing on race boats locally which vastly improved my sailing skills and confidence and we took all sorts of classes that helped to develop our individual interests.

My point is that I would never have predicted 5 years ago that sailing would change my life as much as it has. And, I'm so grateful that my husband - my partner in life - introduced me to it gradually. It helped that he never insisted I like it; he reminded me that I *would* learn all the names for all those ropes and sailing maneuvers in time. Joining our sailing club was also instrumental in exposing me to other women who are terrific sailors. My biggest piece of advice is you can't always see the big picture, it develops over time as each experience builds on itself. And, when you have a bad day out, you sit down and talk about it, and how it might be different next time. Every day is a new day!

We want to get out there and maybe circumnavigate Vancouver Island or head up to Alaska. We have elder-care responsibilities now, but in the meantime, we enjoy sailing locally. Have fun and best of luck to you both!


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## chuck5499 (Aug 31, 2003)

Rhapsody-NS27 said:


> I've told my wife that I wanted to cruise or at least start with some overnights at anchor. She's not a fan of those ideas and thinks a day trip for a couple hours is good enough. I showed her the boat once, other than pictures, and she likes it. Just that day, I wasn't able to take her sailing. She doesn't know anything about sailing and think it's too dangerous to overnight at anchor.
> 
> My approach is to at least get her to know enough to handle the boat in case something were to happen to me. That way, she can get closer to help if needed. If I can get her to understand that reason to learn something beyond just going along for the ride, then it'll be up to her on what to learn next.
> 
> Small trips to get her comfortable and a matter of asking her what else she wants to do.


you might try giving her a gift certificate to an all womens sailing course if one is close. i use to be a ski instructor and we all knew you could not teach a loved one to ski. same for sailing. lrt other women build her confidence.


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## MikeOReilly (Apr 12, 2010)

chuck5499 said:


> you might try giving her a gift certificate to an all womens sailing course if one is close. i use to be a ski instructor and we all knew you could not teach a loved one to ski. same for sailing. lrt other women build her confidence.


I second this. As I mentioned, when my spouse and I were taking courses we purposely did most of them alone. This gave us both the opportunity to develop our own skills. I think it was good for both of us.


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## titustiger27 (Jan 17, 2013)

Speaking of courses... in the book: "A Sail of Two Idiots," by Renee Petrillo. She mentions that at one point her and her husband hire a counselor... some kind of a boat counselor who tells them that when they (for example) come into the dock that she is probably the better driver and he is stronger and better suited to grabbing the dock.

There was no indication that this was the problem (and being single, every indication I should close my bilge hole), but the counselor solved a lot of their early problems and created a better harmony on the boat


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## SVAuspicious (Oct 31, 2006)

chuck5499 said:


> we never push our boat hard ie try and get the last tenth of a knot out of her. our boat does not like to heel in the first place so if she gets above 15% she begins to bulk. our normal is to not exceed 15% and if we get above 10% sustained we may reef a bit and get good speed yet a comfy ride. ourboat is beamy with a shoal draft keel. she went out with another woman who decided to put the rail in the water on her boat and when she came to our boat she said if i ever tried that i would be sailing alone.


Hi Chuck.

I'd like to be clear about something - getting good speed out of a boat doesn't mean putting the rail in the water. In most cases on almost every boat putting the rail in the water slows the boat down a lot, quite aside from being unpleasant for all aboard.

Sailing fast is about sail trim and weight distribution.

I see this attitude often with owner aboard deliveries. A few minutes to put a reef in the main and trim the sails better may pick us up a knot not to mention the longer life you will get from sails that are always properly trimmed.

I don't suggest cruisers hover over the sails continuously like a buoy racer. I do believe that a couple of times an hour to look at sail trim and keep the boat moving is effort worth making. Watch your average rudder angle as an indication of balanced trim. Keep the tell tales flying.

Sail trim is important. Keep the boat moving. Keep the rail OUT of the water.



joyinPNW said:


> My point is that I would never have predicted 5 years ago that sailing would change my life as much as it has. And, I'm so grateful that my husband - my partner in life - introduced me to it gradually. It helped that he never insisted I like it; he reminded me that I *would* learn all the names for all those ropes and sailing maneuvers in time. Joining our sailing club was also instrumental in exposing me to other women who are terrific sailors. My biggest piece of advice is you can't always see the big picture, it develops over time as each experience builds on itself. And, when you have a bad day out, you sit down and talk about it, and how it might be different next time. Every day is a new day!


Sounds like your husband is a good man.



chuck5499 said:


> you might try giving her a gift certificate to an all womens sailing course if one is close. i use to be a ski instructor and we all knew you could not teach a loved one to ski. same for sailing. lrt other women build her confidence.


Check the reputation of the women's only programs. Some are not so good. It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with program quality.



titustiger27 said:


> Speaking of courses... in the book: "A Sail of Two Idiots," by Renee Petrillo. She mentions that at one point her and her husband hire a counselor... some kind of a boat counselor who tells them that when they (for example) come into the dock that she is probably the better driver and he is stronger and better suited to grabbing the dock.


This is common and funny in a warped way. In sailing couples many women feel they are less capable and choose (sometimes pressured by their partner) the strength-dominated jobs like anchoring and managing dock lines. This leads to yelling and hurt feelings. In fact, the person on the bow can see more and better and should be "in charge." The driver is a low strength job. Good hand signals or a headset--ultimately good communication--will remove all the trauma. On our boat Janet drives as much as she will because I want to be able to focus on the big picture, and when we get in close I am stronger than she is. Less chance of injury, less chance of damage, less chance of unhappiness. Look at the really happy and successful cruisers and you'll see a lot of lady drivers. In our case the only exception is backing into slips which still makes Janet very nervous. We're working on that.


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## Donna_F (Nov 7, 2005)

SVAuspicious said:


> ...
> This is common and funny in a warped way. In sailing couples many women feel they are less capable and choose (sometimes pressured by their partner) the strength-dominated jobs like anchoring and managing dock lines. This leads to yelling and hurt feelings. In fact, the person on the bow can see more and better and should be "in charge." The driver is a low strength job. Good hand signals or a headset--ultimately good communication--will remove all the trauma. On our boat Janet drives as much as she will because I want to be able to focus on the big picture, and when we get in close I am stronger than she is. Less chance of injury, less chance of damage, less chance of unhappiness. Look at the really happy and successful cruisers and you'll see a lot of lady drivers. In our case the only exception is backing into slips which still makes Janet very nervous. We're working on that.


Sounds exactly like our situation. I don't yet back in so much as pivot in backwards.


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## MikeOReilly (Apr 12, 2010)

titustiger27 said:


> Speaking of courses... in the book: "A Sail of Two Idiots," by Renee Petrillo. She mentions that at one point her and her husband hire a counselor... some kind of a boat counselor who tells them that when they (for example) come into the dock that she is probably the better driver and he is stronger and better suited to grabbing the dock.
> 
> There was no indication that this was the problem (and being single, every indication I should close my bilge hole), but the counselor solved a lot of their early problems and created a better harmony on the boat


My partner is much better at docking than I, so she's usually at the helm when we're at our home yacht club. I get ribbed by the old boys, but I don't care. She's a better helms person than me.

When we're underway we purposely alternate duties, so if it happens that we're coming into a dock on my helm day, then I suck it up and make the docking (and she runs the lines/fenders). But I'm much happier when she's at the tiller .

Same for anchoring or coming to a mooring. We alternate, so whomever is on deck duty does the actual anchoring. Yes, I'm stronger, but we both have to be able to handle everything, and she does it just fine. BTW, I agree with Auspicious; for anchoring the person on the deck is in charge. Hand signals gets the job done.

And if you're ever burying the rail, you're likely doing something wrong. Most boat aren't meant to be heeled more than 20 degrees. If we heel more than 15 we change our trim or reduce sail. I've never understood this desire to "bury the rail."


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## Faster (Sep 13, 2005)

SVAuspicious said:


> Hi Chuck.
> 
> I'd like to be clear about something - getting good speed out of a boat doesn't mean putting the rail in the water. In most cases on almost every boat putting the rail in the water slows the boat down a lot, quite aside from being unpleasant for all aboard.
> 
> ...


+1000 to that!



> This is common and funny in a warped way. In sailing couples many women feel they are less capable and choose (sometimes pressured by their partner) the strength-dominated jobs like anchoring and managing dock lines. This leads to yelling and hurt feelings. In fact, the person on the bow can see more and better and should be "in charge." The driver is a low strength job. Good hand signals or a headset--ultimately good communication--will remove all the trauma. On our boat Janet drives as much as she will because I want to be able to focus on the big picture, and when we get in close I am stronger than she is. Less chance of injury, less chance of damage, less chance of unhappiness. Look at the really happy and successful cruisers and you'll see a lot of lady drivers. In our case the only exception is backing into slips which still makes Janet very nervous. We're working on that.


Years ago we worked out who does what when... I'm on the bow anchoring, hand signals only, no yelling no drama. We often see others trying to communicate verbally, and even when it's simply a raised voice to span the distance or background noise, feelings get hurt. I'm also surprised by the number of couples where she's on the bow and he has to 'drive'.. in some cases, obviously it works out, esp if a windlass is involved, but often it doesn't . It's especially dramatic with so many PNW full enclosures and verbal simply doesn't work at all.

Sailing we share duties, though I drive the majority of the time - if only because I get antsy when we're sailing low or high - if it's me then it's my fault. Spinnaker gybes - I do the pole, she and Otto handle lines and course changes. She has a boat speed threshold which is fine, if we're tickling that then there's not a lot of loss of speed (or time) downgrading to a genny or even dousing and rehoisting.

It's all about minimizing your EQ* with respect to the rest of the boats in the bay...

*Entertainment Quotient


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## titustiger27 (Jan 17, 2013)

MikeOReilly said:


> My partner is much better at docking than I, so she's usually at the helm when we're at our home yacht club. I get ribbed by the old boys, but I don't care. She's a better helms person than me.
> 
> When we're underway we purposely alternate duties, so if it happens that we're coming into a dock on my helm day, then I suck it up and make the docking (and she runs the lines/fenders). But I'm much happier when she's at the tiller .
> 
> ...


Not sure what is worse, having the old boys tease one about the wife steering to the dock, or the old guys teasing me about ramming the dock.

Some of what this counselor offered up would be considered common sense if you weren't married --- the couple never worked out hand signals for maneuvering the boat on windy days (when vocal commands could not be heard)... just that working of out the hand gesture for slow down or go right, save the use of the one finger gesture

edit: I would gess some problems on a boat might come down to ---who's boat is this...._ if it is 'our' boat, then why are you always telling me what to dol_


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## Minnewaska (Feb 21, 2010)

Second wife, but I think the approach is relevant. I suggested we pick an activity that we both want to do together. We each have several hobbies/sports, some with physical limitations as we've gotten older, such as skiing (sore knees). The thought was having one where we would spend time together. We already had several where one of us was just tagging along, while the other was enjoying their hobby/sport.

Sailing became the choice, so I bought her liveaboard sailing lessons for her birthday. It's been great. But it was a free choice, after considering all interests and factors, such as how long we would have to do this together. Sailing is forever, perhaps not tennis or skiing. 

It's become something we do together, plan for our future together, meet new friends together, etc.


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## Yofy (Aug 15, 2007)

After reading all the posts here, I really don't get a feel for your wife's side of the conversation. What are HER concerns? What does she like about sailing holidays and what doesn't she like? Because things that rub on a short sailing holiday become BIG issues while cruising.

How is your boat set up? What's the galley like? Do you have onboard shower facilities? If not, is your wife happy about washing herself in the sea or using a solar shower on deck? Does your wife feel safe in the boat on windy days or night passages?

Taking things slowly is definitely the way to go. It took me time to build up confidence and I still get weak in the knees at the thought of some passages and I've been doing this for over 20 years. Also, not everyone enjoys passagemaking. Manny just loves being at sea. He is happiest when he is far from shore. I love arriving and exploring new places from our anchorage. So over the years we've both had to compromise. 

I can say that I have been blessed with a partner who has tremendous patience. I still remember one two week period years ago,where we sat at West Palm Beach waiting for another weather window because I couldn't overcome my fear of making the crossing during the first good window. Because he was able to be patient with me, I was able to overcome my fear and enjoy a few months of unforgettable cruising in the Bahamas.

Robyn


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## Fletcherguitar (Apr 14, 2015)

dangle very large denomination bills over the stern rail. or, use them to buy a very expensive, comfortable, with crew, mega yacht. Word has it, for reasons known only to Saks and to God, women, are drawn to such fluff.


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## Don L (Aug 8, 2008)

Don't a small dark damp cave of a boat that you like to take out when it is rough, cold and raining and then sail it with the rail in water.


Wait, that would apply to me also.


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## Donna_F (Nov 7, 2005)

Fletcherguitar said:


> dangle very large denomination bills over the stern rail. or, use them to buy a very expensive, comfortable, with crew, mega yacht. Word has it, for reasons known only to Saks and to God, women, are drawn to such fluff.


No. Not all of us are.


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## Minnewaska (Feb 21, 2010)

DRFerron said:


> No. Not all of us are.


For sure, not all are. However, enough are to give the rest a bad reputation. 

I've seen "all" men thrown under the bus in hersailnet too.


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## single2coil (Apr 12, 2014)

What a great thread. I am having the exact issue. My wife is very uneasy, very skiddish about sailing. So its is not enjoyable for me resulting in much sailing alone. Which is not what I wished. I unfortunately had a few close calls with docks, etc. caused by lack of communication. I was not patient, thus causing mistrust that we can handle the sailing skill. Wow it does not take many times for the door to shut. I mean slam, Patience from the beginning is a must.


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## Donna_F (Nov 7, 2005)

single2coil said:


> What a great thread. I am having the exact issue. My wife is very uneasy, very skiddish about sailing. So its is not enjoyable for me resulting in much sailing alone. Which is not what I wished. I unfortunately had a few close calls with docks, etc. caused by lack of communication. I was not patient, thus causing mistrust that we can handle the sailing skill. Wow it does not take many times for the door to shut. I mean slam, Patience from the beginning is a must.


Perhaps you and your wife could take a sailing course together? That puts you on equal footing and in a learning environment where someone else is the responsible party.

There are also women only sailing courses. Some people (men and women) feel that these types of courses are nonsense, but my feeling is if it gets someone feeling comfortable about boats and safe, why not?


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## capecodda (Oct 6, 2009)

Reading this thread I realize how lucky I am.

My wife owned a sailboat before we were married. We've since owned 5 different boats together. 

So I guess I married into it

Enough said.


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## Stonecutter36 (Feb 21, 2005)

Hay Mike I'm feeling redundant Kathy changes the oil cooks anchors an lots more I may have to hide a few things so she will keep me . She still has problems tying knots. Worse I have to untie the the tangles I guess I,m safe ;-) ernie


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## Shockwave (Feb 4, 2014)

Lucky, my wife loves sailing and looks forward to being aboard. She doesn't mind snotty weather and is always happy to sail the boat anywhere. We have raced/sailed together for many years and know how each operates. Neither one of us yell and we work together to sail and maintain the boat.


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## MikeOReilly (Apr 12, 2010)

Stonecutter36 said:


> Hay Mike I'm feeling redundant Kathy changes the oil cooks anchors an lots more I may have to hide a few things so she will keep me . She still has problems tying knots. Worse I have to untie the the tangles I guess I,m safe ;-) ernie


Oh, I'm sure she'll keep you ... maybe .



Shockwave said:


> Lucky, my wife loves sailing and looks forward to being aboard. She doesn't mind snotty weather and is always happy to sail the boat anywhere. We have raced/sailed together for many years and know how each operates. Neither one of us yell and we work together to sail and maintain the boat.


Lovely.

My partner and I share just about every task on the boat. We're actually a better couple while living in our small floating house. And that's a good thing, b/c in two months it will be our ONLY house. Can hardly wait .


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## travlin-easy (Dec 24, 2010)

The only thing my wife shares with me aboard to the boat is the food and booze. I take care of everything else, and she supports me in a manner that I enjoy being accustomed to. 

Gary


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## Faster (Sep 13, 2005)

DRFerron said:


> ....
> 
> There are also women only sailing courses. Some people (men and women) feel that these types of courses are nonsense, but my feeling is if it gets someone feeling comfortable about boats and safe, why not?


Sometimes I think couple's dynamics can get in the way and that either spouse taking sailing lessons on their own might work better - esp if there's a significant difference in competency and comfort to begin with.

Kinda like it's not always a good idea to teach your own SO or child how to drive....


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## Group9 (Oct 3, 2010)

When I first started dating my current wife, I took her out for five days, four nights, on my sailboat, and anchored off the barrier island near where we live. The A/C and generator, was out on my boat. We were only planning on staying two nights, but were having such a good time, we stayed four nights (until we ran out of food). She didn't want to come back, either.

On the way home, I knew she was the woman I needed to marry.


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## tdw (Oct 2, 2006)

Minnewaska said:


> For sure, not all are. However, enough are to give the rest a bad reputation.
> 
> I've seen "all" men thrown under the bus in hersailnet too.


That of course is the problem with utterly inane statements such as the one from FletcherGuitar. Of course there are bound to be women who are chasing the dosh and as far as boats are concerned are simply eye candy but there are also so many women who throughly enjoy all aspects of sailing. Well maybe not the freezing cold and wet bits but that is not for most blokes either.


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## MikeOReilly (Apr 12, 2010)

Faster said:


> Sometimes I think couple's dynamics can get in the way and that either spouse taking sailing lessons on their own might work better - esp if there's a significant difference in competency and comfort to begin with.


Exactly what we did when we first started. We took our first liveaboard course together, but then took the intermediate, navigation, and advanced (CYA courses) separately. I think this helped both of us develop skills and confidence.

Our standard practice while underway is to flip duties every day. We've organized them into helm/navigator/commander & deck/galley/anchoring/lines. Each day we alternate so we each do everything. It's not that we're both equally skilled in all things, but we both DO all things, and do them well enough. This means each of us can operate the boat independently if we have to (and we do when on watch doing passages).

We are equal partners in this endeavour. It works well for us.


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## Jammer Six (Apr 2, 2015)

I didn't, she doesn't.

In the sports in which I'm an instructor, there is no chance that I'd teach a couple in the same class.


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## hellsop (Jun 3, 2014)

DRFerron said:


> Perhaps you and your wife could take a sailing course together? That puts you on equal footing and in a learning environment where someone else is the responsible party.
> 
> There are also women only sailing courses. Some people (men and women) feel that these types of courses are nonsense, but my feeling is if it gets someone feeling comfortable about boats and safe, why not?


Both taking a sailing course is a good idea. Taking it together seems to be something of a ... challenge point. Specifically, it establishes role way too early on and nobody ends up feeling responsible and confident in the "other person's" tasks. The same course taken separately makes for much more complete learning in an environment where making mistakes won't be remembered forever.


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## svjobeth (Nov 29, 2008)

I met my wife at the marina where I kept my first little sailboat. Most of her sailing experience was in dinghies or as crew on tall ships. There wasn't much convincing needed to for either of us to embrace the idea of cruising. Our discussions and efforts to convince one another were all about the boat.

I was of the 'go small, go simple, go now' school of thought and she was of the 'go big, go grand' school of thought. So it was after 16 years that we agreed on 34'.


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## capt jgwinks (Sep 24, 2013)

It was her idea.


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## ObsessionSTJ (May 4, 2015)

I'll be honest. I wasn't sure about living on a boat. We lived on St. John in the Virgin Islands for a couple of years and my husband got the liveaboard bug. His passion finally influenced me. He was so sure we could make it work. We first off bought a motor yacht. It was a great liveaboard but we couldn't afford to go anywhere (twin 454 engines really sucked the fuel). We decided that if we were to buy another boat it would be a sailboat. This is our second sailboat. I have to say, its been so important that my husband is a do it yourselfer and has done most of the needed repairs himself. He also takes things calmly and in stride. I tend to panic but he is so calm, cool and collected it has helped me when things got a bit hairy or I was stressed out. It has made sailing and living onboard enjoyable and right now I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am glad that I followed what was initially his passion and is now mine. 

We live on our 1980 37' Hunter currently on the hook in St. John, USVI. We sail all over the Spanish Virgins and the British Virgin Islands. Hoping to have circumstances in a year to go down island for most of hurricane season. 

(I have a blog but you would have to search for it. I haven't posted enough for them to let me link it. it's mountains and seashore if you are interested. 


Hope that helps.

Happy sailing!
Camile


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## Rhapsody-NS27 (Apr 8, 2012)

ObsessionSTJ said:


> (I have a blog but you would have to search for it. I haven't posted enough for them to let me link it. it's mountains and seashore if you are interested.
> 
> Hope that helps.
> 
> ...


Here you go, to help you out. 

Mountains and Seashore


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## wannabsailor (Jul 9, 2012)

Trade her in on a cat..however, you'll get the same attitude.


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## foojin (Apr 30, 2014)

I had known my now wife when we were teenagers, but when we hooked up again I was in Thailand working on my boat, preparing to sail it home to Victoria, BC.

She joined me shortly before we set off. She had never sailed before and didn't know what to expect. The first time we anchored, a wind storm off the shore developed. We dragged between two islands into deeper water. She was not impressed. To make matters worse, at first I denied we were dragging (we had not yet set up the drag alarm on a new gps). By the time I admitted that we were, we had dragged so far I looked ridiculous.

She forgave me and it took three years for us to sail home together. She became the best cruising partner I could ever hope for. She reads a ton, some of it even about boats and sailing.

We clearly divide responsibility. I am in charge of rigging, sails, mechanics, electrical. She is in charge of everything to do with personal comfort. Whatever she wants -- a crazy expensive mattress, a new stove, a tailored cockpit cushion -- she gets.

So far, it's worked.


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## outbound (Dec 3, 2012)

Believe there are are two groups. The youngsters seeing the world home schooling their kids and fearless. The other other group is the old farts,usually retired and often second marriages. I can't speak to the first group.
As regards the second often the guy has done no ASA courses. Rather has done multiple passages, balls to the wall, racing. Before contemplating full time cruising they have thousands of blue water miles under their keel in Bermuda races or like events and tens of thousands coastal and beer can racing. Their cruising boat is the conclusion of decades of two foot-itis.
So there is a discrepancy in skill set and experience. And there can be only one captain on a boat. However, just as with racing crew simple respect and trust should make this a non issue. Often racing the captain is the least experienced sailor. Wise captains and spouses listen more then they talk. They learn more that way.
Skill set does not seem to be the obstacle among the fellow cruisers I know. Rather it's the difficulty in disengagement from the entanglements of land life. Many guys think " I've schooled them..they are married....they're off doing their career- therefore I'm done and can go off cruising ". They think "my folks can handle their own affairs or I've set them up to be safe and there is nothing further I can do for my mom/dad." 
In my limited experience ladies have more difficulty leaving the grandkids behind or not being the supportive mother/daughter always available to ease the daily bumps of their loved ones.
Commonly when cruising we have days of no internet,text, and phone access. This stresses my wife more than the five days 50kt line squalls going to meet sdr. I can say I'm off on passage or cruising- it will be there when I'm back on the grid. My wife has trouble with that.


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## Donna_F (Nov 7, 2005)

outbound said:


> Believe there are are two groups. The youngsters seeing the world home schooling their kids and fearless. The other other group is the old farts,usually retired and often second marriages. I can't speak to the first group....


I think you can add a third, to which we and most of our friends belong: DINKs (Double Income No Kids). We aren't old, either. Unless you ask a teenager.


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## outbound (Dec 3, 2012)

Sorry Donna you're absolutely right. My bad so extend apologies. Have an egocentric outlook sometimes. Haven't seen many dinks ( to my knowledge ) island hopping. Work remains a four letter word I guess. See a lot of dinks crewing and running boats. Interestingly got friendly with a couple where she is the captain and he the steward/cook. Good to see less type casting as time goes by.


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## Minnewaska (Feb 21, 2010)

DRFerron said:


> I think you can add a third, to which we and most of our friends belong: DINKs (Double Income No Kids). ......


I would be retired already, if I didn't have kids. Living aboard my dream boat, buying a new dinghy every time the last one ran out of gas. I put two through Ivy league schools (read as zero tuition negotiation). I've spent a full 5 times more for their education than I spent on my first house.


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## MedSailor (Mar 30, 2008)

Minnewaska said:


> I would be retired already, if I didn't have kids. Living aboard my dream boat, buying a new dinghy every time the last one ran out of gas. I put two through Ivy league schools (read as zero tuition negotiation). I've spent a full 5 times more for their education than I spent on my first house.


I'm hoping there is lead in my old house's water piping. That way I won't have to worry so much about education.  I also plan to hype up the virtues of a good union job from an early age.

Medsailor


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