# Talking Husband into Living on a Sailboat



## Lonestaralaskan (Jun 10, 2018)

I know, I know, usually its the other way around. But in our family, I'm the one with the sailing itch. I'm the one pushing the plan to sell everything and buy a sailboat in 3 years. I think he's on board (no pun intended), but he doesn't say much about it yet. I guess it won't be "real" for him until its time to actually buy a boat. Meanwhile, I'm the one doing all the research.

Are there any other females out there in a similar situation??


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## Minnewaska (Feb 21, 2010)

"Pushing the plan" is an uphill battle. Either you're both in or it's a problem. Refreshing to see this going the other way, but none the less perilous. You can't push, or the inevitable hardships will cause resentment. 

In the end, how do you know you'll enjoy raising a young family aboard, in a boat you don't own yet? Some do well, others can't deal with being that close for that long.

Dream and go for it, but only if he wants it too. Same advice the other way around.

Interesting observation........ this is your dream, but you list him as Captain on your blog. Reverse sexism or attempt at persuasion?


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## Lonestaralaskan (Jun 10, 2018)

Minnewaska said:


> Interesting observation........ this is your dream, but you list him as Captain on your blog. Reverse sexism or attempt at persuasion?


He's interested - but he doesn't talk about it as much as I do, which worries me sometimes. It did start out as my dream. We've been sailing together and enjoy it immensely.

We tend to share the duties in most every aspect of our lives, and this will be no different. At the end of the day, one person has to have the final say, especially on a boat. That will be him. Why? Because that's what makes sense for us.


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## SanderO (Jul 12, 2007)

This is a wonderful and do-able plan... But as you move forward the reality will hone, revise, edit your plan.

I sailed to the Caribe from NY and lived aboard for 4 yrs using my savings. When they got thin I had to return to NYC and my profession and work again. I of course kept the boat which is why I post on this forum.

I met several families with very small kids and infants... including a Norwegian couple whose babies were born while cruising.

Shiva, a Contest36s, was bought new in 85 and upgraded for offshore and cruising over 5 years. I took off in the Fall of 91. Lots of work... enjoyable, expensive and somewhat challenging. But in the end I had confidence in every system installed on board. 3 decades of ownership on... most of those "systems" have seen one or two or even 3 upgrades. Owning a boat is a work in progress. My boat turned out to be ideal for the task... roomy, dry to sail, fast passages (150nm/day) large galley, separate nav desk, aft cabin with a double, a V berth and a comfy head. The boat is no longer made so if it appeals to you go for a used. Several rig and keel configs... world class build.

There are many boats which can work for you.

For cruising you will want a stout reliable below decks auto pilot. Very spendy. Install yourself a must. I have an Alpha 3000 which does NOT interface GPS steering data. I prefer to set the course. Keeps me engaged all the time.

You'll also want to have AIS and probably radar... useful for night sailing and fog which doesn't happen in the tropics.

Charting device... Ipod, fixed mount plotter, smart phone... all work fine. You should have redundancy.

Communication... SSB is hardly used but you can talk to anyone anywhere... if they have a phone or make a high sea radio telephone call... get NOAA weather and so on. Satphone can be rented even for the offshore passages only.

Safety - GPS tracker, EPIRP, MOB trackers and so on... jack lines, inflatable harnesses, strobe and flares. Acquire just before heading off.

There is much more.

Exploit the forum... there is a lot of wisdom here... Your life, your decisions, you decide. Inform your decisions with knowledge and wisdom of others.... Once you get into this... you'll be assisting others.

Fair winds and following seas!


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## hpeer (May 14, 2005)

I’m not a female, but I know a couple in a similar situation in that it’s the lady who has “over the hill it’s”. They have sailed for many years on the Chesapeake, they raced, they cruised, raised kids. Then they retired early and moved aboard. They are very comfortable aboard, they love their boat, they love the life. But hubby doesn’t like deep water and being out of sight of land and navigating inlets. She is patient and gently encouraging. That’s all she can get so far. 

Personally we are more traditional, I pushed hard, we lived aboard part time (all year round) then transitioned to full time cruising 6 months a year. It’s working but my Wife is sometimes pushed to her limit. She really enjoys living in small spaces, but doesn’t have the “over the hill itus,”.


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## Jeff_H (Feb 26, 2000)

Your situation is not all that unusual. There was a period when several times a month I would receive an email from someone who is considering doing just what you are proposing and probably a third of the time it was the wife who was more interested in sailing off than the husband. I have watched literally dozens of folks go through this. Some are successful in getting 'out there', some discover that they really just enjoy sailing and find that they really have no need to 'go out there’; some have discovered that the sailing life is just not for them, and others have not even gotten past the dreaming stage. 

From what I have seen, the most successful (especially when families are involved) have been the ones who have been somewhat systematic about going. There is a lot to learn before one can safely venture offshore. No one would assume that they could buy a jet airliner take a few lessons and be able to fly around the world. I think most rational people would expect to start with a small plane and work their way up. But for some reason people assume that they can just go out and buy a big boat, take a couple lessons, read a few books, and then go safely cruising.

While there are people who literally taken a few lessons, read a few books and went out cruising, those that were successful following that route are far more rare than those who have done some kind of apprenticeship. Learning to sail and learning to cruise involves a lot of knowledge and no matter how much you know, there will always be more to learn, but I suggest that you at least take the time to learn the basics, and that just about can’t happen if you buy ‘a big sailboat’ and move your family aboard. 

If I were in your shoes, I would sit down and put together a list of all of the things that I would want to know before I set off voyaging such as:
• Boat handling
• Sail trim
• Rules of the road
• Weather 
• Routing
• Boat husbandry, repair and maintenance
• Diesel/ gas engine maintenance and repair
• First aid
• Heavy weather tactics
• Legal restrictions on leaving and entering foreign countries
• Navigation, (Piloting, Celestial, dead reckoning and electronic) 
• Provisioning
• Radio operators license exam requirements
• Safe and dangerous fish to eat
• Sail trim
• Survival skills 
• Etc………..

Once I had what I thought was a complete list, I would set up a schedule to try to develop those areas of skill that I was currently lacking. As much as possible I would try to involve both you and your husband in as many of those aspects as both is capable of understanding. I would also suggest starting with a small fin keel, sloop rigged boat under 30 feet and sail the living daylights out of it to develop sailing, boat handling and maintenance skills. If you pick a reasonably good selection you should be able do this with a very small net investment. 

This process could take as little as a year, but more often takes two to three years. The process itself can be very rewarding and can build the kind of bonds, comfort levels, and trust that are required to be cast away on that oh so small island that a boat underway represents. 

Respectfully,
Jeff


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## Lonestaralaskan (Jun 10, 2018)

Thank you for the great responses and encouragement. We do have alot to learn, and that is part of the fun and excitement! 

I'm a lifelong learner, and my husband is great at figuring out how to fix just about anything. 

With two young kids aboard, we will take every precaution to make sure we know what we're doing before we venture out. We'll be sailing out of San Diego with instructors for the next couple of years, and when we buy the boat, we'll hopefully launch from Kemah, TX. When we are ready to "take off", plan to coastal cruise the Gulf to Florida before we head south (we looked at the ICW, but that turned out to be mostly a motoring experience and not much sailing). I'm hanging on to my Dad's ashes that he asked to be sprinkled in the Gulf, so we hope to do that from our sailboat.

We are super safety conscious, and do not intend to put our sweet babies at undue risk. I would like to note that driving on the freeway is probably just as dangerous as sailing, if not more, and we do that every day without even thinking about how precarious it is. At the mercy of drunk drivers, people texting on their cellphones, and other crazies on the road. In the ocean, its mostly your own skill and the mercy of the sea. Which is more dangerous? I guess it depends on the situation.


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## Jeff_H (Feb 26, 2000)

I did not realize that there were kids involved. As much as possible they should be involved in the learning process so that they feel like members of the crew rather than hostages in their parent's dream. 

I strongly suggest that you start by buying a small boat (25-30 foot) in San Diego and sail it a lot and maintain it on your own before trying to buy your ultimate boat. The wind conditions in San Diego are perfect to learn to sail. I also suggest that you try to get out on race boats which are a super way to learn about sail trim, and reading wind and water for only the cost of sailing gloves and boat shoes. I would also suggest trying to sail on as many different boats as you can. That is easiest to do if you have a boat in a marina where you can talk to other boat owners, or you belong to a sailing club. 

Those kinds of experiences will help shape your priorities and preferences when you start looking for the boat that you end up taking voyaging. 

While it may seem counter-intuitive, if you don't know what you are doing, or pick the wrong boat the ocean is far more dangerous than the highway. While you see people throw around statistics that make the highways sound more dangerous, I think these are pretty specious comparisons. The reality is that the dangers of offshore voyaging needs to be taken very seriously. Trying to compare being offshore to being on the highway doesn't really provide any useful information. 

Jeff


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## Arcb (Aug 13, 2016)

^^^ I beleive it was mentioned in another thread the children are actually babies; an infant and a 1 year old. Which means, in my opionion, the parents must not just learn to sail, but they must each learn to single hand effectively. Two toddlers/very small children can be a handful. My 4 year old still requires constant adult supervision on the boat.

I like the above idea of getting a small keel boat (maybe 24-30 ft) to learn on. The parents can go through the process of learning to set up the small boat for single handing, and then each learn to single hand the boat, before going through the process of learning to single hand a big cruising sailboat.

Maybe that will convince the husband too, once he is confident that you can each handle a boat safely, he will be less apprehensive. He might just be being practical.

I know this is her sailnet, but I have lived aboard and cruised wirh babies/small children, so I thought I would throw in my 2 cents


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## Lonestaralaskan (Jun 10, 2018)

Yes, we will have a 3 and 4 year old on board if we hit the 3-3.5 year time-frame. 

The "3 year old" is currently due in six weeks, so he hasn't quite hit "infant" status yet. We will both need to be able to single-handle at times. We'll share both childcare and boat handling duties - in fact, right now I'm the one with the job outside the house and he works from home and takes care of our daughter. He's a great Dad!


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## SanderO (Jul 12, 2007)

Sailing to the Caribbean from the keys is a beat to windward. I would strongly advise not to do this. There is a book about it:

https://www.amazon.com/Gentlemans-Guide-Passages-South-Thornless/dp/1470146967

You might want to read before taking this route.

You might consider sailing up the Gulf stream... ducking in to port on the East coast of interest and get to a high enough lattitude to sail South East.

The Carribean 1500 ( or whatever it's called) leaves from Virginia:

https://www.worldcruising.com/carib1500/event.aspx

If timing is good you good sail with the...or before or after.

You can fetch Antigua or St Martin or where ever in the Caribbean as you will be sailing south with the trade winds on one tack even as cool as a beam reach.

Don't beat for 1000 or more miles with small children... a very very very bad idea


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## Lonestaralaskan (Jun 10, 2018)

SanderO said:


> Sailing to the Caribbean from the keys is a beat to windward. I would strongly advise not to do this. There is a book about it:
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/Gentlemans-Guide-Passages-South-Thornless/dp/1470146967
> 
> ...


Our first destination after Florida will be the Bahamas. That's about as far as we have planned at this point.


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## SanderO (Jul 12, 2007)

That's not very far and a tough Gulf Stream passage... actually either way.

Much better to sail out east and visit the Bahamas sailing down wind and west... a very easy sail and you can even use a spinnaker.

When you read more about getting to the Eastern Caribbean... you'll find out.


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## time2sail (Jun 14, 2018)

The Gulf Stream demands a bit of respect, do not try to cross it when the winds are anywhere North of East. The opposing winds with unlimited fetch turn up 14ft, short period seas quickly. No fun. Miami to Bimini is a popular route (with the Gulf Stream). Ironically, calm seas and predictable trades from the East make summer sailing to and from the Bahamas popular for the locals. Just have a hurricane plan in place prior to needing one. It gets hot! Be sure to have plenty of small, efficient fans, fresh water and shade available. Good luck, most of us would love to be in your shoes (or sandals).

P.S. Liza Copeland has written a few great books on sailing with family. She also speaks at many of the sailboat shows….very nice person with lots of great info and ideas on basic comforts and home-schooling.


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## kusuri (Jun 14, 2018)

Lonestaralaskan said:


> I know, I know, usually its the other way around. But in our family, I'm the one with the sailing itch. I'm the one pushing the plan to sell everything and buy a sailboat in 3 years. I think he's on board (no pun intended), but he doesn't say much about it yet. I guess it won't be "real" for him until its time to actually buy a boat. Meanwhile, I'm the one doing all the research.
> 
> Are there any other females out there in a similar situation??


YES - I'm in the same boat (hahaha). I've been pushing it for years, but there's always been an excuse one way or the other. First it was his job (while I hated mine), and now it's my job (which I love, but could potentially give up for a sailboat dream if he wanted it). We recently just bought a house, which is great, but the opposite direction of my dream. But we still talk about it. He wants us to be in a good financial position, where we can retire early and get the boat then. He also wants me to be able to finish my 3 year project at work first, which is good career advice. But at least we're moving forward. We just bought our first 30 foot sailboat, and we're learning to efficiently sail it, maintenance, cruising. We're gaining skills that could help us for the dream!

Why do you want to sail around the world, if you don't mind me asking?


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## Lonestaralaskan (Jun 10, 2018)

kusuri said:


> Why do you want to sail around the world, if you don't mind me asking?


Hey Kusuri, thanks for the reply! Reasons to sail - there are so many. Here are the main ones:

1) I have adventure in my blood. My parents moved from TX to AK before I was born, in the winter, driving the Al-Can on street tires in a little Mazda. I guess I get the itch from my Dad who was always looking for new adventures, and took me on a few as a kid to ski resorts, Hawaii, the Florida coast, and allowed me to travel to Space Camp when I was 12 and to Paris when I was 18.

2) Love the ocean. Always have. Its too expensive to buy oceanfront property, and even if we did, we'd be stuck there. Which brings me to #3...

3) Love to travel. Both my husband and I share this love. I grew up in Alaska, but haven't been back for 15 years. My extended family lives in Texas, we live in AZ, and don't have any real roots anywhere. My mother currently lives with us, but has advancing dementia. My Dad passed away several years ago. My husband's family is scattered from one coast to the other. We have no ties to any place, except here where I have a job.

4) I will soon have two little ones that I have to say goodbye to every morning when I head to work, and it breaks my heart to leave them. I need a break from corporate life to spend important time with my kids, where I can be with them all day long, every day for an extended period of time.

We want to show them a different way of life BEFORE they are old enough to be addicted to cellphones, video games, and other cultural influences. Get them outside, interacting with nature, seeing things with their own two eyes instead of just reading about things in books like places, history, wildlife, different cultures & languages, etc.

5) And finally - so many challenges. Saving the money, figuring out which boat to buy, where to launch, how to live on a boat, and then the real challenge of boat handling, traveling to new places, how to catch our dinner, there's so much to learn. I'm sure it will not be all fun and easy - I know that. But that is also part of the appeal.

Maybe we'll hate it. Maybe we'll quit after a month, or maybe we'll never even be able to save enough to go. But none of those possible outcomes is going to keep me for aiming for the big dream, and working towards the goal every day. Its what keeps me getting up and going to work right now.

I hope that answers your question.


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## SanderO (Jul 12, 2007)

Lonestaralaskan said:


> Hey Kusuri, thanks for the reply! Reasons to sail - there are so many. Here are the main ones:
> 
> ......
> 
> I hope that answers your question.


This is a great response. I completely support your vision and I trust that you wll be prudent and carefully roll out an action plan including getting and equiping the boat and learning to sail and take care of the boat.

I have found that "sailing" and my boat has been the great "teacher" in my life... most lessons learned, most new horizons, greatest sense of independence and competence and self reliance. You're off the grid for the most part and get through life on your own... no nanny state... You travel far and wide and there are no roads to follow... Sure you need provisions of course... but no can live without food or water. And you can make your own water if need be! It's clean and you are within nature 24/7 and get to be very close and intimate with your changing environment. You survive by your own intelligence.

Great to keep the kids away from screens... given then crayons and colored pencils... You don't have to do this "forever".... see the entire world... You can do it for as long as it works for you.

Go for it!


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## kusuri (Jun 14, 2018)

Lonestaralaskan said:


> I hope that answers your question.


I love your response, and I feel like you and I are very alike. I also grew up in Texas, I need adventure in my life, I strangely love the ocean (without ever growing up near it), and when I have children I want to be able to devote my time to them instead of my career. I support your vision very much!

Your comment about steering your children away from screens and video games has stuck with me. Many people make similar comments, and I'm always left wondering why they think this way. I'd like to share a bit about myself in hopes of discussing this. I'm in my 30s now, but when I was a kid I grew up in a poor family. We lived in a small town in Texas, and it was too hot to go outside for long periods of time. I spent a lot of my time at the local library or playing video games at home. My parents were too busy with work and supporting us to even worry about this. But! This didn't affect the course of my life in any noticeable way. The video games I played taught me how to solve puzzles and inspired me to love exploration. The books I read allowed me to dream about where I could go when I was older.

As soon as I turned 18, I left Texas and moved to New England. The heat was gone, and I started hiking and exploring the outdoors. I now travel all the time, I can fish and catch my own dinner, I'm planning to sail around the world, just like you. I didn't see the ocean until I was 18 years old, and now I can't go a day without seeing it. I also share the same desire to be present with my children and teach them to love adventure, too. None of this was hindered by the hours I spent on a game system or in a book, and it's possible they helped! All in all, though, I think a lot of what makes us who we grow up to be comes from within ourselves. Otherwise I can't explain why I've become someone very different from my origins.

I'd love your thoughts in response to this, I'm very open to your opinion! I don't want to go sideways from your thread, so you're welcome to privately message me if you'd prefer that instead.


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## Lonestaralaskan (Jun 10, 2018)

kusuri said:


> Your comment about steering your children away from screens and video games has stuck with me. Many people make similar comments, and I'm always left wondering why they think this way. I'd like to share a bit about myself in hopes of discussing this. I'm in my 30s now, but when I was a kid I grew up in a poor family. We lived in a small town in Texas, and it was too hot to go outside for long periods of time. I spent a lot of my time at the local library or playing video games at home. My parents were too busy with work and supporting us to even worry about this. But! This didn't affect the course of my life in any noticeable way. The video games I played taught me how to solve puzzles and inspired me to love exploration. The books I read allowed me to dream about where I could go when I was older.


I was a big reader too, and video game player! Its not the video games, or even the television that bothers me.

My 15 year old niece is living with me and she talks to friends almost 100% online. She doesn't socialize like a normal person. She doesn't even feel comfortable ordering her own food in a restaurant. She's insecure, but online with her "internet friends", she is completely different.

She's told me about various people she's met online, and I'm sure at least some of them were 50 year old dudes with nothing better to do than socialize with teenage girls. This culture of online socializing is not good for kids when they don't know how to sit and have a normal conversation with adults. They talk constantly in chat rooms, on snap chat & skype, and basically live on computers and phones.

She's had "friends" sending her videos of real life honor killings, decapitations, and all kinds of sick stuff. Probably other stuff she hasn't told me. Think about a young kid at school with other children who have cellphones that aren't filtered - they can be exposed to who knows what at way too young of an age, and there's nothing you can do about it.

That's not what I want for my young kiddos. I want them to enjoy being kids, learning about real life (not online life), learning how to be social and how to be creative without all of the distractions that invade daily life in our current culture.


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## albrazzi (Oct 15, 2014)

Just reading your story and dreams. You are young (I assume) and have lots of time to learn and decide where you go with it all. My advice would be to not try and make all the plans so quickly, having a goal and doing as much as you can in the mean time is more important than just looking to the end result. I know people who have raised kids on a Boat, and it worked out fine, but I would not do it, just me. Not small ones anyway 8-10-12 maybe but not infants, again just me. Maybe your husband is thinking something like that and its not coming through. Make all your plans and then just muddle through, life's best advice so far.


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## kusuri (Jun 14, 2018)

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I hope your niece can learn from you and feel more confident out there in the world. Talking to you gives me hope for the next generation.


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## Lonestaralaskan (Jun 10, 2018)

albrazzi said:


> Just reading your story and dreams. You are young (I assume) and have lots of time to learn and decide where you go with it all. My advice would be to not try and make all the plans so quickly, having a goal and doing as much as you can in the mean time is more important than just looking to the end result. I know people who have raised kids on a Boat, and it worked out fine, but I would not do it, just me. Not small ones anyway 8-10-12 maybe but not infants, again just me. Maybe your husband is thinking something like that and its not coming through. Make all your plans and then just muddle through, life's best advice so far.


Actually I'm 43. This will be baby #2 post-40. 
We aren't taking infants to live on a sailboat. They'll both be at least potty-trained. I'm aiming for 3 & 4, but might not make it out til they are 4 & 5. We'll make that decision in a few years.


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## Minnewaska (Feb 21, 2010)

While I totally relate to our generations disdain for the younger gens electronic socializing, we should be careful not to fully discount it. My kids have far greater networks than I ever had at their age. They reach out for information, expertise and connections, far better than our generation did. I may be good working a room, face to face, palm to palm, they're better working the planet. 

Be sure your kids don't miss out on the power of it all.


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## SailingMango (Jun 16, 2018)

This is a great thread!

A year ago my family of four, kids then 11 and 15, and two dogs returned from a year in the Pacific Northwest followed by six months in Mexico. The boat is for sale in San Diego. That wasn’t the specific plan, but our family always knew that was a possibility, and that is OK. Meanwhile we took a risk, kicked some small amount of ass, and now we are doing something else, and thinking about what the future holds. We know we can do anything. Being really open ended worked well for all of us, even as we sailed from beach to beach.

My wife was the reluctant one, but after she realized it was all about education and experience, and not some magical, Herculean skills and abilities, she was in. She took classes, we sailed a bunch, and through it all involved the kids and laughed a lot. The class my wife took was key. It was a week long sailing class, and the first night out I got a picture of her in a hammock drinking a glass of wine as the sun went down. Nice! Would you husband like to do something like that? Every day checking the engine, belts, sailing hard, running through crew overboard drills, then kicking back and relaxing in the evenings swinging at anchor?

I like that your plans are not set in stone, that you seem flexible. And the kid advice has been good. My kids are deep and rich for their online friends and resources, but I still worry about it sometimes regardless. They also had plenty of very sweaty days, running around playing games with other kids, paddling from boat to boat to visit in the anchorage. Everyone took care of the kids, like a neighborhood in the fifties. And they spent time on the screen after spending time in the water. It was really good for them.


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