# Talking Her into it?



## Midnightflyer (Dec 2, 2011)

Hi, I need help. The wife is sitting on the fence, almost ready to take the next step to moving aboard. We do stay on board most of the summer on Lake Erie and sail to all the ports we can get into. But I want to get a bigger boat and sail south down the coast to the Keys for the winter. Do you have any ideas how to get her to let go of the land? She loves the boat and loves to travel. So how about some help.


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## jameswilson29 (Aug 15, 2009)

Why push her? Why not wait until she is ready?

You do want her to be happy with the decision, don't you?

(Notice to my critics: I am not recommending marital counseling.)


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## Donna_F (Nov 7, 2005)

I agree with James. 

Pushing, even a gentle pushing, could result in a push back if it's not what she wants, or, giving in and potentially being miserable. Been there, done that, won't do it again.

Does it have to be all or nothing? My dream is to spend the winter months on the boat someplace warm but sail back to the Chesapeake and return to short jaunts during our summer (keeping our house).


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## bljones (Oct 13, 2008)

Step 1. Take out a second mortgage on the house. 
Step 2. Blow it all on a weekend in Vegas
Step 3. Explain to your wife why the bank is calling. A lot.

She's either going to go with you, or divorce you. Either way, you get to live on the boat.

Seriously, sit down with your wife and find out if she would be interested in long term cruising in the future. If the answer is yes, lay out a timetable that you are both comfortable with- longer cruises next season and the season after, then cruising full time. 

Either that or do a cost/benefit analysis on selling the house, buying a bigger boat and living the vagabond life.


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## kd3pc (Oct 19, 2006)

Midnightflyer said:


> She loves the boat and loves to travel. So how about some help.


must be very careful here...or else she may not like either one...

the dream has to be shared...and she may not be ready, or have the same priorities in boats that you do.

liveaboard is hard. And if the boat is not set up in a way that she feels comfortable, even more so. Marinas mean different things to each of you, and anchoring out a whole new set of challenges she or the two of you may not be up to, yet.

I am lucky, my wife had really only two requirements...queen size berth that she can get in and out of, without climbing or crawling or disturbing me AND a place, well lit to read and do needle work...almost anything else was negotiable.

If you have not done so, I would suggest listening to what SHE wants in a boat, and where she wants to be on said boat.


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## travlin-easy (Dec 24, 2010)

DON'T SELL THE HOUSE! Instead, do what many others have done in the past and either get one of your kids to house sit for you, or if you feel comfortable about doing so, rent it out for a year. 

Next, be sure to get a boat large enough to be comfortable, but small enough to singlehand sail. Something in the 30 to 35-foot range seems to work best for most folks that have done the same thing in the past. 

The most difficult part about all this is you must consider that you'll be residing in the same amount of space as your living-room with individual rooms smaller than a walkin closet. Your bathroom will also be your shower and in order to take a shower you'll need to put the toilet paper, towels, and anything else you wish to keep dry in a water-tight container. And, you only have a small volume of water to work with, so that shower will have to be well planned and very quick or you're rapidly run out of water--women don't like to take short, and sometimes cold, showers!

The amount of things you can take with you is also quite limited, which is not my wife's idea of a fun way to cruise. Most ladies want to take an entire wardrobe, lots of shoes, a couple matching purses, etc... Most of this will NEVER be used, but that does not count. As for me, I can get away with a pair of flip-flops, a pair of boat shoes, six pairs of shorts, two pairs of jeans, two hats (one spare), and a half-dozen shirts. One pair of socks is good for the entire year, and of course, a change of underwear for each day of the week. Your stuff will easily fit in a small duffel bag--her stuff will consume three, large, steamer trunks. 

Bugs are the biggest problem I encountered--even on week-long voyages. The flies gnaw your hide down to the bone every day, and when the sun goes down the mosquitoes and no-see-ums find their way through the tiniest openings. You'll need a liberal supply of skin-so-soft in order to survive in the sunny south. Fly swatters are also a good thing to have onboard at all times.

After six or seven months, one of many things will ultimately happen. 1. She'll become a raving lunatic and hack you to death with a machete. 2. She'll escape the confines of the boat, find the nearest airport and fly home, where she'll quickly file for divorce. 3. She'll love every minute of the adventure, want a bigger boat and tell you to sell the house. Option #3 is unusual, but it has been known to happen. 

In my case, my wife will NOT be accompanying me on the voyage to the Florida Keys this coming October. Instead, she will wait patiently for the month it takes me to get there, then when I'm comfortably tied to a marina dock, she'll hop on a plane and fly down to Marathon Key to spend a month or so on the boat and sail around the keys. When she tires of living in the cramped space she'll fly back to the frozen north to play with our 4-1/2-year-old grandson.

Good luck and I sincerely hope everything goes the way you wish,

Gary


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## kwaltersmi (Aug 14, 2006)

Have you asked her that question ("How do I get you to let go of the land?")?

What's keeping her from taking the plunge? Is she afraid of the unknown? Is it a fear of the financial costs? Would she be giving up a career? Is she concerned about raising kids on a boat?

I think I'd start by having open conversations and find out what exactly is holding her back. If you don't know what's keeping her tied to the land, then you can't possibly get an answer for how to get her out to sea.


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## AdamLein (Nov 6, 2007)

My wife and I talk about this occasionally as well.

She was concerned that indefinite, full-time cruising meant indefinite discomfort and the possibility of being homeless and jobless if something went wrong (read: boat sinks). She's quite a bit of a minimalist and doesn't mind not having much stuff (regularly donates/discards lots of our stuff anyway).

I originally was pushing for a long-term (multiple years) liveaboard vessel in the 45-foot range, but she didn't like the financial picture that painted. We could spend similar money on an apartment and have a real investment. Her ideal picture, instead, was a smaller, more affordable boat that she's be comfortable on for many months in a row, maybe a year, but keeping our land lives to come back to.

In the end _she managed to convince me _that a smaller (~35 foot) cruising boat is what we should upgrade our current 27-foot boat to, and a year or so of cruising is what we should plan for.

See what I did there?

But in all seriousness, you need to find out what her ideal cruising would be like and see if maybe it would be good enough for you. If it's her dream, her idea, _her boat_, she will get behind it and and make it happen without you "getting her" to do anything.


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## KnottyGurl (Feb 8, 2011)

Why not sail down to the southern areas of interest and have her meet up with you along the way. You get to live out your dream and live aboard, she can join you somewhere warm, and enjoy the benefits of being in a warmer area.

My wife still has this must have home thingy, I hear her and accept her feelings.
So we agreed that I would sail down and she can hook up along the way for a few excursions and weeks or weekends till we are in the Bahamas.
the deal we have is 6 months on and 6 months at house. Were still working on what months where, but we are moving in the right direction and her level of enthusiasm is slowly growing, A very good thing.
Sometimes it takes more time to move aboard then physically just selling everything off and casting off.
She really has put her heart and soul into the home and honestly i do like it, but like yourself would like to be more on the move as of late.
Compromise and find a good agreement as to how to complete this.
lots of ways to both keep the house and be sailing, you just need to find your groove for the both of you.


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## joethecobbler (Apr 10, 2007)

cut her loose, she's all wrong for you !


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## Serendipitous (Nov 19, 2010)

Maybe you could get her started on a few blogs about people living aboard and their travels. That's what did it for me. When my husband first suggested us selling all our things and sailing away into the sunset I was intrigued but totally clueless and scared sh*tless because I had no idea of what something like that might actually be like. Then after reading the Slapdash logs for a few months I was ready to pack my bags and go.


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## sawingknots (Feb 24, 2005)

this is your problem! no one can solve it but you,some women take to sailing some don't.if she don't and you insist don't be surprized if you end up washing your own socks,long time mariages work best if you have your thing and she has hers,"she don't toe the mark and i don't walk the line"


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## Lake Superior Sailor (Aug 23, 2011)

Mariage is a partnership,50/50 means it takes two! Keep pushing and when it doesn't work out it will be all your fault!===Dale


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## 123456Wannasail654321 (Jun 14, 2010)

I believe there is a book titled Get Her on Board that may have some tips and hints for you. Personally I'd choose having her meeting up at someplace and joining you there.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_n...books&field-keywords=Get+Her+on+board&x=0&y=0


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## gtod25 (Aug 5, 2000)

*The boat is amost never the problem... Capt. Bligh is...*

I was out there for two years with my wife. I lived on-board with her for another 1.5 years. And she is still with me and wants to go sailing again.

IMHO the biggest issue with women on-board is the loss of power / control. They are suddenly crew for this guy who takes on a new personality once the lines are cast off. You can ignore all the "Admiral" jokes, she is not in charge. My solutions included;

1. Have a staged plan. Do not plan directly for the Keys. Plan for Chesapeake for 3 months, then Marathon for 2 months, Bahamas for 2 months and then then Key West for 3 days (You can guess how much I like Key West). Let her pull the plug at any stage.

2. Give her veto right at the start of any trip. Explain that she has to give any leg of the journey an least two hours and if she still hates it you will turn back and wait for better conditions.

3. Teach her weather forecasting and let her handle the radio (VHF and SSB).

4. Help her get comfortable on night passages.

5. Have her do a Cruising course with a woman skipper. Take that skipper on your boat for a few days to help your wife get comfortable.

6. Try and not be a dick. (I failed on #6 on more than one occasion).


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## travlin-easy (Dec 24, 2010)

On a half-dozen night trips, my wife hated every minute until I dropped the hook. She was absolutely petrified, and I sincerely do not believe she will ever enjoy a night passage. Me, I love sailing at night and not at all bothered by things that go bump in the night. 

Cheers,

Gary


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## QuickMick (Oct 15, 2009)

when i saw the title of the post, i thought i had the wrong forum... he he

My buddy came up with what i thought was a fair plan/compromise. As they pondered moving into the life of full time cruisers his wife was a bit skeptical... so they settled on a 3 months out, one month ahsore proposition as a type of trial deal.

I dunno, just saying things dont have to be all or nothing but, as with most things I think, the best route is somewhere in that middle grey area between black and white.

Good Luck,
Q


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## kcbillb2 (Nov 26, 2010)

*Talking her into it...*

You've gotten a lot of good advice already from folks on the list. (well, mostly)

All I'll say is talk to her, don't ask us. If she wants to do it, she will.

This quote was my favorite from all the answers so far:

"6. Try and not be a dick. (I failed on #6 on more than one occasion)."

How true...most of us do try though. 



Midnightflyer said:


> Hi, I need help. The wife is sitting on the fence, almost ready to take the next step to moving aboard. We do stay on board most of the summer on Lake Erie and sail to all the ports we can get into. But I want to get a bigger boat and sail south down the coast to the Keys for the winter. Do you have any ideas how to get her to let go of the land? She loves the boat and loves to travel. So how about some help.


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## Minnewaska (Feb 21, 2010)

If you stay aboard for most of the summer, there is something in particular that she doesn't like or fears. Discuss it with her. It's very possible there is a good compromise, as many have suggested. It is also possible there is a non-starter. Find out what you are dealing with before you toss random arguments at her and let us know. We can offer compromises, not wins.

Be very prepared that you may hear something you really don't expect, or if she has no reason, it may simply be a reason she is uncomfortable telling you. Show her you won't be offended or upset by it.


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## jimmalkin (Jun 1, 2004)

Joan and I rebuilt and simplified a beautiful 50' cutter with plans of ultimately living on board on in the Carribean during the New England winters. She had a lot of coastal cruising on a prior 35' sloop and is a good coastal pilot/navigator. She took the Colgate cruising classes and read "It's Your Boat Too" etc. After 8 years of the cutter, which included a month on board in mid-coast Maine each August, we discovered the following: She likes sailing in sunshine between the hours of coffee and cocktails. She does not like standing night watches. She does not like wet or cold or tired. She likes nice dinners and drinks on the hook in a harbor. And in her words, she likes "being sailed, not sailing."

After 34 years of marriage, it becomes a choice for the cruising dreamer (who is usually the male in the marriage.) I chose to sell the 50' cutter and am about to buy a 28' sloop that I will solo around the coast. She will tend to her gardens/golf/whatever and join me for several days at a time, if/when she choses (weather window...!)

For me, sailing, like marriage, is a mix of compromise and desire.

Good luck; it isn't easy.


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## Midnightflyer (Dec 2, 2011)

Thanks All for your input. So far: I've bought the book, We have been talking about the sail plan. I'll sail down the east coast to Annoplis and she'll drive down and meet me, stay in that area for the summer, We'll go home for a few weeks to catch up on getting rid of stuff. Then on south for the winter. This is plan (a) open to change. and open to more input from couples that have already done it.


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## wingNwing (Apr 28, 2008)

First off, as several have already suggested, you should be asking the question of HER instead of US. What does SHE have to say about what's holding her back. Then, instead of "talking her into it" I'd try to let the lifestyle itself talk her into it. Build a safety net and arrange as much of an exit plan as you can. Put your possessions in storage instead of selling them; rent your house instead of putting it on the market; include $ in the budget for flights home for holidays and other celebrations, talk the employer into giving you a leave of absence instead of quitting, etc etc. Then go sailing. Open-ended. After a month, or a few months, or a year ... you can choose to go back, or go on. The pressure is gone, if you know you can come back any time.


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## wingNwing (Apr 28, 2008)

PS to midnight - we'll be in Annapolis this summer, would love to get together and chat more about the life ...


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## bljones (Oct 13, 2008)

Now that all of the serious advice is out of the way...

Tell her you'll go easy, you will stop anytime she wants to, and establish a safe word that she can use whenever she is pushed beyond her limits.

Come to think of it, this advice applies to a variety of situations.


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## KnottyGurl (Feb 8, 2011)

:laugher:laugher:laugher


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## Midnightflyer (Dec 2, 2011)

WingNwing, I would love to have Ruth talk to someone that has taken the plunge. We spoke to a couple while standing in line as we drooled over one of the boats at the Annapolis Boat Show. She said that she never wanted to go back to "Living on the dirt" and was happy moving every six months or so, seeing new places and new people. That's for me! New places and new things to try. I would be content to follow the warm weather south and return to the north for our summer. 

Fair Winds,
Bob and Ruth


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## wingNwing (Apr 28, 2008)

Midnight, you're on - looking forward to talking with you both in the Chesapeake next summer. At the same time, your plan confuses me. You said your current boat is not the one you're taking to the Keys. So, what boat are you taking to Annapolis? Why not buy your next boat *in* Annapolis and start your trip there? Tons of choices in the Chesapeake - and save yourself that (admittedly beautiful, but long) solo voyage from the Great Lakes?


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## bljones (Oct 13, 2008)

Will one even be able to get down the Erie canal in 2012?


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## Minnewaska (Feb 21, 2010)

bljones said:


> Will one even be able to get down the Erie canal in 2012?


Very confusing. I believe they did temporarily reopen sections late last year to exit stranded vessels. Most say it won't all be open at once this coming year, as repairs continue. However, I can't find anyting definitive. I know someone (stinkpot) who spent last summer on the finger lakes and planned to winter on the hard. However, he also planned to get out and is unsure of his fate this year.


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## travlin-easy (Dec 24, 2010)

Eryka,

Are you really going to leave the land of palm trees, turquoise waters, wonderful breezes and fantastic snorkeling to return to Annapolis? If everything goes as planned, I hope to voyage south to Marathon Key for the 2012/13 winter, and I can assure you that I'll have a difficult time leaving to return to the Chesapeake's upper reaches. 

Gary


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## Brent Swain (Jan 16, 2012)

Take her to clubs and gatherings with experienced female sailors who love the cruising life.


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## wingNwing (Apr 28, 2008)

Gary - we're having a wonderful time here, but the sailing/gunkholing in the Chesapeake is infinitely better. Plus, there's this thing about hurricanes ... having weathered two aboard, I have no wish for a third. Being outside the "box" makes our insurance company happier, too. 

We're still wrapping our minds around the fact that the oncologist is giving us a longer leash, which will increase our cruising area. Originally there were appts, scans, and tests every 3 months; then every 6 months. Now they only need to see Dan once a year, so many more things are possible for us.


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## Midnightflyer (Dec 2, 2011)

Well, I finished reading Nick O'Kelly's book "Get Her On Board" in two sittings. This should be required reading for all married men young and old. Sometimes( After 25 years ) we tend to take the other half for granted when we plan something like a cruising lifestyle. She wants to go, but not for ever. Nor do I. We are looking to go for a year or two then return to living on "dirt" sometime later. Works for me. Bob


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## maine89 (May 2, 2011)

Midnightflyer said:


> Well, I finished reading Nick O'Kelly's book "Get Her On Board" in two sittings. This should be required reading for all married men young and old. Sometimes( After 25 years ) we tend to take the other half for granted when we plan something like a cruising lifestyle. She wants to go, but not for ever. Nor do I. We are looking to go for a year or two then return to living on "dirt" sometime later. Works for me. Bob


Will take a look at that book, thanks


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