# Uh Oh.....This may be a deal breaker....



## NewportNewbie (Jul 30, 2011)

While my wife has up to now been VERY pro-sailing...tonight we went out for an Ocean sail...to me..it was NOT that bad...maybe 3-4 foot waves...a tad bit choppy and 15-knot winds...Not a cloud in the sky. After being out for about 45 minutes, she wanted to turn back..."I have to hold on too much and this isn't how I remembered sailing 20 years ago...We used to be able to lay out on the deck.". Not sure what kind of sailboat she was on back then and she doesn't know either, but its pretty obvious that she doesn't like how this boat sails. I was smiling and the previous owner was with us and he was saying how he loved being out there. She also had a wave hit her dead in the face...So its gonna probably be the beginning of the end. At some point she will start to drop hints that we should sell the boat...then the hints will be flat out demands. Happened to the Porsche's. OR, she will want a bigger, smoother more comfortable boat. She loves the Beneteau Oceanis 50, but again, thats a whole different animal....and a whole different price! I bluntly asked if se wants to sell the boat, she said no, I can sail with my buddies...but we bought it to enjoy together. She likes the smooth water of the harbor, I like the open water. I am really trying hard to figure out a way that she can get into it more. She isn't all that interested in learning to sail, she wants to ride along comfortably.


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## Ninefingers (Oct 15, 2009)

Uh oh.

On the plus side, your boat is in stellar condition, and shouldn't be a tough sell should you decide to move to a bigger boat. Has she been on a Oceanis 50? That's a lot of boat. How about gently used modern production boat around 36'? You would be astonished how much bigger they are than your current boat.


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## NewportNewbie (Jul 30, 2011)

We saw the Oceanis 50 at the boat show...I think its HUGE...she now equates bigger with smoother....The current boat to her is a little sports car...loud, bumpy, fast....she wants slow, comfortable and smooth...thats why she drives a Range Rover, and I drove a Porsche.


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## tommays (Sep 9, 2008)

I just do wife sailing in her comfort zone with friends and young ones that feel the same and race sailing with other friends that have a outlook closer to mine 

It keeps everybody happy and lets them enjoy sailing VS hating it


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## Dog Ship (Sep 23, 2011)

My wife and I already agreed that if we were not going to make this a fun thing for "both" of us then, well. 
We have agreed that if we do not still have smiles on our faces when we return to the dock then we are not doing this.
I have been over ruled by the admiral only once and we returned to the dock still married and smiling.
I like my boat but I love my wife.
Peter


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## peterchech (Sep 2, 2011)

Similar issues here. If I could afford it id buy a multihull. Its the heeling that makes my woman uncomfortable. Your wife could actually sunbathe on a Catamaran while you sail. But even a used multi is quite pricy, and often costs more for a slip at the marina.


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## CalypsoP35 (Jul 24, 2006)

Tommays has it right. Buying my P35 is the only major decision that my wife and I have disagreed on. Over time she has understood that it was the right decision because of the use and enjoyment I get out of it. I work pretty hard and she understands the boat is one of the few things that keeps me sane.

While the wife still doesn't love being on the water, I make sure we do a few destination sails each summer that she enjoys. For her it's about spending a weekend on Nantucket or Martha's Vineyard. For me it's the enjoyment of the sail there and back. We also do a few sunset sails when the wind is not very strong.

I get my real sailing fix by racing and doing a couple of sailing weekends with friends.

So it is possible to make everyone happy, even when one person is just a fairweather sailor.


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## PalmettoSailor (Mar 7, 2006)

I'd say my tolerance for "spirited" sailing is likely higher than many of my peers and certainly much higher than my wifes, but even I find it looses its luster after a few hours when every action (even sitting still) takes an act of will to accomplish. Beating into 20+ knots in the Chesapeake's steep, short chop, gets old after a few hours for sure and going the other way, the motion of the stern being lifted and shoved one way or the other is no fun either. 

There are times when you wish your boat was a big Cabo Rico or Bayfield or some other lumbering behemoth like that. However, there are many more times in my area where those boats are essentially trawlers with a stick. So since you can't really have the best of both worlds (there are some boats that claim you can, but in price points beyond my means) its better to err on the side of "typical" conditions and choose to stay at the dock when the wind and waves exceed typical by a fair margin. 

If you're out in it, or in a situation where you need to go out in conditions that are less than comfortable, but within the limits of safety, reef the heck out of it and go for it. If the boat is balanced, without excessive heel, the pounding isn't nearly as taxing. I don't think I'll ever convince my wife that such conditions are "fun" but when she can take the helm and not have to fight the boat or stand on the coamings because of huge heel angles, she's certainly less anxious than if we were sailing on the verge of control.


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## bljones (Oct 13, 2008)

NewportNewbie said:


> At some point she will start to drop hints that we should sell the boat...then the hints will be flat out demands. Happened to the Porsche's.


Maybe you should explain to her how much you are going to miss her. Life is too short to live with anyone who makes demands. Once demands are involved, it's no longer a relationship, it is a kidnapping.

Man up and sail and damn the consequences. You know how to single-hand and you're obviously enjoying the hell out of it- keep on keeping on. Either she'll get on board, or she won't.


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## SJ34 (Jul 30, 2008)

tommays said:


> I just do wife sailing in her comfort zone with friends and young ones that feel the same and race sailing with other friends that have a outlook closer to mine
> 
> It keeps everybody happy and lets them enjoy sailing VS hating it


+2

It may not have been too rough for you but was probably too much too soon for her. Maybe take her out for late morning or mid-day sails when the wind is light and save the sundowners for your more adventurous friends. It is very likely she will become comfortable enough to tolerate an occasional rough sail. I've been in your shoes and it worked for me.


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## jameswilson29 (Aug 15, 2009)

NewportNewbie said:


> I bluntly asked if se wants to sell the boat, she said no, I can sail with my buddies...


So, what exactly is the problem?


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## cranki (Jun 11, 2006)

Dude,

You are in Newport Beach. The days when your wife can lounge on deck with a calm sea and no spray will far outnumber the exhilarating, fresh breeze, beating into a chop days. Just wait until next summer...you'll see.


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## arknoah (Oct 31, 2010)

SJ34 said:


> +2
> 
> It may not have been too rough for you but was probably too much too soon for her. Maybe take her out for late morning or mid-day sails when the wind is light and save the sundowners for your more adventurous friends. It is very likely she will become comfortable enough to tolerate an occasional rough sail. I've been in your shoes and it worked for me.


I have to tell you, I am probably at your stage of experience sailing, and when I watched your video of ocean sailing, I knew I wouldn't have been comfortable. Just yesterday, I was singlehanding near the bay, and when the gusts got to 16 mph, I packed it in. There are so many types of sailing and sailors. I don't think I ever need to hit the open ocean the way you did (_excellent_ music on the video by the way) , and much prefer going maybe up to 5 knots with relatively steady wind without a lot of chop. If you can ensure that you can enjoy those quieter days as a couple or family, yet you still have the chance for really exhilarating sailing, that can be the best of both worlds.

As an aside, I have also determined that for us, sailing is not a whole family activity. When the four of us go out together all the "buttons" that get pressed in the house get pressed on the water, and there's no escape! However, when I've gone out with any of them separately, we've had a great time. So going out with just two of us is _always_ a win-win.


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## tempest (Feb 12, 2007)

Let's explore some humorous and serious options here: 


Divorce her and get a new wife
Keep the Wife and get a Girlfriend that likes to sail
Sail alone and/or with your buddies
Sell this boat and get a catamaran the wife can sun herself on
Sell this boat and get a power boat 
Keep this boat and buy a power boat 
Sell the boat and charter in the caribbean with the money you save

Or, simply do what Tommays suggests and have days for you...and days for both of you. 

If you're turned on by 3-5 ft waves and 15 knot winds and she's not. We've got a 
" sitiation" as I call it.


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## deniseO30 (Nov 27, 2006)

Post a thread "female sailing companion wanted"

Actually newport, your quite lucky that she does like harbor sailing. Human nature seems to always bring couples together that don't share passion in all things. Maybe if she had a more active role in handling the boat?


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## emoney (Jun 2, 2010)

It looks as if you've been given plenty of suggestions, so I'm not sure what I can add, however.......

I can introduce you to 4 very happy Harley Davidson owners in my area because I kept trying to find "the right bike" that my wife would enjoy, thus participating in my pass-time of choice. Obviously, those 4 wouldn't be "happy" if I hadn't felt the need to sell those most loved and cherished bikes. However, I cherished our marriage (now in it's 25th year) more. Having said that, I do feel like I made a huge mistake in that "biker period", in that she was never introduced to the passion, only the motorcycles. What I mean is, that had she had a bond with other, like-minded ladies for instance, she may have seen it for what it was/is: a lifestyle. She only saw those bikes as "something "He" enjoys". I bring all this up because I believe you're at a similar crossroads so don't make any rash decisions. Do like has been suggested and pick calm days to have her accompany you and let her ease into the boat, so-to-speak. Meanwhile, find opportunities for her to experience the camaraderie and companionship that sailing offers as well. Join a local 'Yacht Club' for example and get her involved in the meetings and attending events. It's the "lifestyle" that brings the commitment for some, not the act itself. Who knows, she may find out that she'd prefer to be the "captain" and you may end up relegated to 1st Mate (which isn't a bad thing). She may eventually end up being the one to say, "No, we're not going to that wedding, we're going sailing instead!".

At the very worst, you've found something you love and she doesn't and can act accordingly. At the very best, you'll find something you both cherish and you'll end up with a much larger boat that anticipated. There's really no way to "lose" here, if you're intent on winning. Good luck and keep us posted.


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## tomandchris (Nov 11, 2009)

So, my question would be, was this her first time in the open ocean. 3-4' seas and 15 kts of wind?

I ask because I think it was you a few weeks ago worrying about leaving the confines of the harbor. The pictures you posted of your first time out were certainly not 3-4', but you seem to have increased your ability and now seem to be loving it. Although it does not sound like your wife would enjoy the same sailing, she may find that she likes it if you have the patience to slowly expose her to increasing motion.

If not, you have gotten some good advise. sail inside the harbor with her, find friends to sail outside when the winds and waves are up.


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## capttb (Dec 13, 2003)

If the Admiral is uncomfortable you reduce sail or drop off, you never heard the expression "Gentlemen don't sail to windward" ?
I watched your video, typical 10 knot afternoon, did she enjoy that day ?
I'd apologize and promise to do better in future, nobody buys into something if you make it unpleasant.


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## jameswilson29 (Aug 15, 2009)

deniseO30 said:


> Post a thread "female sailing companion wanted..."


Pick a new screen name before you post one of those "crew wanted, seeking twenty-something sea nymph, must have an open mind, love the open ocean, and look good in a Brazilian thong bikini" ads...

:laugher


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## cranki (Jun 11, 2006)

I take back what I said earlier... just watched your video and it looked like a pretty calm day with maybe 10 knots of wind. If your wife had a problem with a beautiful afternoon sail on calm seas you may have a problem there. However, there will be plenty of days with under 10 knots and even calmer seas to enjoy in your neck of the woods.


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## PCP (Dec 1, 2004)

NewportNewbie said:


> While my wife has up to now been VERY pro-sailing...tonight we went out for an Ocean sail...to me..it was NOT that bad...maybe 3-4 foot waves...a tad bit choppy and 15-knot winds...Not a cloud in the sky. ....OR, she will want a bigger, smoother more comfortable boat. She loves the Beneteau Oceanis 50, but again, thats a whole different animal....and a whole different price! I bluntly asked if se wants to sell the boat, she said no, I can sail with my buddies...but we bought it to enjoy together. She likes the smooth water of the harbor, I like the open water. I am really trying hard to figure out a way that she can get into it more. She isn't all that interested in learning to sail, she wants to ride along comfortably.


Old problem. Many wives like to be in the boat in the marina or at anchor in beautiful cruising grounds where the water is calm and on the anchorages really flat. You like that but also having a blast sailing with strong wind and necessarily with haves.

Three answers:

1- Divorce

2- Sell the boat

3 Have fun sailing the boat alone to a distant and beautiful cruising ground and than fly your wife to join you there. Fly her home at the end of hollidays and have joy again bringing the boat back

Regards

Paulo


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## NewportNewbie (Jul 30, 2011)

Thx for the advice...the part tat gets me was that it WASNT rough seas. To her she said she felt like she was being bumped around. I think its getting used to it and having an open mind and taking it for what it is. Divorce isn't an option, and hopefully selling the boat isn't either. I may be overreacting....


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## Ajax_MD (Nov 24, 2009)

Reading this just pisses me off.

The sea isn't a motorcycle or vintage car hobby (I happen to have both). The sea is _life_. In the history of humans, motorcycles and sports cars are but a blip on the radar, but man has been battling or trying to co-exist with the sea since we first crawled out of it.

It sounds like you've finally found something that gives you pleasure for all of your hard work, and she wants to just give up and take it away from you, and that's bull$hit. Your boat is not a "little sports car", it's a decent sized vessel. An Oceanis 50 is a friggin' barge. If you wanna be a "Condo Commander" who never goes anywhere because maintenance and operating costs are too expensive, and the boat needs crew, then go ahead.

In the interest of marital harmony, I offer the following suggestions:

1. Sacrifice some speed for comfort. Reef earlier, and ease the sails out to make the boat sail on her feet, instead of on her ear. Save the racy stuff for you and your buddy.

2. Deeper water allows the waves to spread out. When you get into the shallows, the waves stack up, meaning that the period between them is shorter, so you have chop. Get out of the shallows for a more comfortable ride.

Sailing isn't always 7kts on a beam reach in glassy waters with a glass of Chiraz in your hand. Sometimes, it's visceral and challenging.

This past weekend, I raced on a 25 footer in a 4 foot chop, with 20+ knots, sustained, with gusts to over 30 knots. I suspect your wife would not have been pleased. uke


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## peterchech (Sep 2, 2011)

You were out in that snot? I took my hunter 25 out under motor, passing a dismasted yacht on the way out of harbor. Once out there I was heeling 15 degrees in gusts under bare poles with water splashing over the deck and soaking us in the cockpit. I decided that discretion is the better part of valor myself...



BubbleheadMd said:


> Reading this just pisses me off.
> 
> The sea isn't a motorcycle or vintage car hobby (I happen to have both). The sea is _life_. In the history of humans, motorcycles and sports cars are but a blip on the radar, but man has been battling or trying to co-exist with the sea since we first crawled out of it.
> 
> ...


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## PCP (Dec 1, 2004)

unfortunately I have saw good friends that have sold their boats because their wives didn't like to sail, others that sail with very narrow limits because the wife does not "allow" for more.

Believe me it is a bad policy to try to make your wife like a thing that she does not like. On the other hand I feel very guilty when I have having fun with 30k wind and my wive is just seasick and felling badly. Having fun and feeling guilty is not a nice sensation.

You know about your live and your priorities. You have just to decide how much sailing is important to you:

For some is a lifestyle, for others just an hobby. If that is the second case maybe you can find another hobby on first case you have to work it out with your wife but let me tell you: Don't force her to do something she does not like. That's the way for both feeling miserably.

Regards

Paulo


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## ewoden (Mar 30, 2011)

Heh heh heh, Small craft advisory posted for upper C. Bay this past Saturday and Sunday. No way the admiral was going to set foot on Halcyon, my 8m S2. So compromise was in order and we loaded up the canoe and did some nice waterfowl watching while paddling the guts of some Eastern Shore marshes.

She did notice my longing face as we watched scores of white sails plying the waters under the Bay Bridge. However, I did have a great time in that canoe and over crab cakes and conversation later in the evening.

Life's compromises, unless you want to live it alone. I'll go out later in the week with a sailing buddy.


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## Ajax_MD (Nov 24, 2009)

peterchech said:


> You were out in that snot? I took my hunter 25 out under motor, passing a dismasted yacht on the way out of harbor. Once out there I was heeling 15 degrees in gusts under bare poles with water splashing over the deck and soaking us in the cockpit. I decided that discretion is the better part of valor myself...


You would have been less uncomfortable under sail, than running the engine. Not "comfortable", just in less distress.


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## 4arch (Jul 7, 2009)

Interestingly, it was racing on other people's boats that made my wife get comfortable with the idea of being out in big winds and high seas. I guess seeing the rest of the crew and the crews on other boats not getting freaked out by the motion, spray, heeling, etc. gave her more confidence. Plus, when you're racing you tend to stay focused on your job and it's not until after you cross the finish line that you have time to think about how much you stepped outside of your comfort zone. After racing yesterday in 15-20 knots my wife surprised me by saying "if I had known I was going to love racing so much, I would have been ok with us buying a racier boat!"

All that said, my approached me first about getting more into racing after I had been involved in a weekday night series for years - I wouldn't encourage anyone to go racing who doesn't really want to be there.


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## TakeFive (Oct 22, 2009)

jameswilson29 said:


> Pick a new screen name before you post one of those "crew wanted, seeking twenty-something sea nymph, must have an open mind, love the open ocean, and look good in a Brazilian thong bikini" ads...
> 
> :laugher


Post it here. :laugher


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## NewportNewbie (Jul 30, 2011)

BubbleheadMd said:


> You would have been less uncomfortable under sail, than running the engine. Not "comfortable", just in less distress.


Yes...we saw a boat coming into the harbor ahead of us under bare poles and motor...it was getting tossed around. We came through the same stuff ad barely felt it. Thats when she said she liked this kind of sailing.


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## jameswilson29 (Aug 15, 2009)

Well, the two of you are not handcuffed to each other (as far as I know), and it appears you do not have children, so you do not have to engage in family activities together for the sake of the children.

Therefore, you should each engage in the activities that make your hearts glad - you can sail across the open seas; she can run up the credit cards while having an affair with your buddy who keeps declining your invitations to go sailing...


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## Harborless (Nov 10, 2010)

Sounds to me like the Mrs might need to become just Ms

Jesting aside, by the type of boat you have and cars you drive it sounds like you have the financial ability to please all parties.


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## Harborless (Nov 10, 2010)

Also, if you DO decide to trade her in (the wife of course) I would seriously consider setting sail to Brazil. Once there you can find a new Mrs. who you can marry on two-year terms. Its basically a marriage contract that can be renewed or not after two year intervals.
Isn't life grand?

Trade in and trade up!


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## dhays (Jul 9, 2010)

NewportNewbie said:


> While my wife has up to now been VERY pro-sailing...tonight we went out for an Ocean sail...to me..it was NOT that bad...maybe 3-4 foot waves...a tad bit choppy and 15-knot winds...Not a cloud in the sky. After being out for about 45 minutes, she wanted to turn back..."I have to hold on too much and this isn't how I remembered sailing 20 years ago...We used to be able to lay out on the deck.". Not sure what kind of sailboat she was on back then and she doesn't know either, but its pretty obvious that she doesn't like how this boat sails. I was smiling and the previous owner was with us and he was saying how he loved being out there. She also had a wave hit her dead in the face...


I'm a bit amazed at the number of folks that suggest (only partly in jest) that you keep the boat and toss the wife. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

There are days when sailing is hard work. Hard work can be fun and exhilarating, but sometimes we just don't feel like doing it. If your wife was in the mood for a nice relaxing sail, she wouldn't have been happy with those conditions.

A few weeks ago, we were beating home. The apparent wind was around 20 knots and the wind waves were a bit higher than typical here. I was having a great time, however my wife was tired and starting to get annoyed at the constant tacking North up the Sound. She finally told me that she was NOT having fun anymore. I dropped the sails and we continued home under power. In retrospect, I should have just reduced sail and motorsailed home as the ride would have been a bit more comfortable. This last weekend, we were heading home with 8 knots of True wind on the nose. I was just as happy to motor against wind and tide, but it was my wife that suggested we put up the sails.

My point is to suggest that you don't put too much weight on this one experience. In the future, if the conditions look a bit "invigorating", determine what your wife is looking for before going out. There may be some days when she would enjoy a hard sail and there may be other days when she isn't. Also, it is better to reef early before someone becomes anxious or annoyed than afterwords.

I love to sail, but I also like having places to go. For us, this works out well. My wife likes to relax on the boat so we will head some place and either anchor or tie up at a slip. I don't think that we would own a boat if it's primary use was to simply sail around for a few hours then head back to the dock. While I would enjoy it, she wouldn't get as much out of it.

Good luck and don't panic yet.

Dave


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## jameswilson29 (Aug 15, 2009)

Harborless said:


> Also, if you DO decide to trade her in (the wife of course) I would seriously consider setting sail to Brazil...


Plus, it increases your odds of finding a woman who looks good in a Brazilian thong bikini!


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## PCP (Dec 1, 2004)

4arch said:


> ... After racing yesterday in 15-20 knots my wife surprised me by saying "if I had known I was going to love racing so much, I would have been ok with us buying a racier boat!"
> 
> ...


eh! eh! it seems that not all wives like fat comfortable boats and that fun is for some a main factor in sailing. Cheers to your wife!

You should see the smile on my daughter face when, after sailing for a week a Hanse 341, she take the wheel of a Salona 41:

How!!!! I like this one, she said while the boat glided easily making almost 8K.

Regards

Paulo

Regards

Paulo


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## GMC (Sep 14, 2009)

I agree with Dhayes and the poster from Cape Cod, above. Sometimes you just have to dial it back a bit. I am up in NE and have the opportunity to sail out to Cuttyhunk or Martha's Vineyard on a day sail. Although, she's only taken me up on it once, one time on a more challenging day, wife took ferry to the Vineyard and joined me when I got there later that day. That is possible in a number of locations here. But overall, she is a trooper, although she is mildly sea sick most times. I am sympathetic. I remember being on many boats where I was not at the helm and just along for the ride. It is a different experience when you are not at the helm or actively participating. Those experiences can just be never ending slog, while the Captain is in heaven with the wind blowing through his/her hair.


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## imagine2frolic (Aug 7, 2008)

Hopefully she will learn to like the boat. Take your time with her just as you did the boat. Sail the hell out of the boat when alone, or others.

I am sure you read in my blog where I left my wife standing on the dock on S.F Bay. While I sailed away to Mexico, and she was yelling I can't believe you're doing this! Eventually this was a cuase for divorce. Hopefully you will find a better solution.......*i2f*


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## ArcherBowman (Jul 1, 2009)

I hate to say it, as I am a monohull guy the the core, but have you considered a catamaran? It's been my experience that they sail flatter and more sea-kindly that monohulls of the same size. It might save your marriage. Giving up a wife is hard.



NewportNewbie said:


> While my wife has up to now been VERY pro-sailing...tonight we went out for an Ocean sail...to me..it was NOT that bad...maybe 3-4 foot waves...a tad bit choppy and 15-knot winds...Not a cloud in the sky. After being out for about 45 minutes, she wanted to turn back..."I have to hold on too much and this isn't how I remembered sailing 20 years ago...We used to be able to lay out on the deck.". Not sure what kind of sailboat she was on back then and she doesn't know either, but its pretty obvious that she doesn't like how this boat sails. I was smiling and the previous owner was with us and he was saying how he loved being out there. She also had a wave hit her dead in the face...So its gonna probably be the beginning of the end. At some point she will start to drop hints that we should sell the boat...then the hints will be flat out demands. Happened to the Porsche's. OR, she will want a bigger, smoother more comfortable boat. She loves the Beneteau Oceanis 50, but again, thats a whole different animal....and a whole different price! I bluntly asked if se wants to sell the boat, she said no, I can sail with my buddies...but we bought it to enjoy together. She likes the smooth water of the harbor, I like the open water. I am really trying hard to figure out a way that she can get into it more. She isn't all that interested in learning to sail, she wants to ride along comfortably.


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## carl762 (Jan 11, 2010)

Seriously, now, as long as she said you don't have to sell the boat, get some sailing buddies, give her a new hobby she loves, and enjoy the boat. 

If you can afford the 50 footer, by all means....

No need to trade in any wives.


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## NewportNewbie (Jul 30, 2011)

Im going to take it easy, give her some time. Ease her into it. Gonna go out again with the previous owners...they are a couple and friends of ours. I think if she has another woman there, then it won't be so tough. I think she thought it was going to be calm, when I knew it was going to be choppy. In my experience, its ALWAYS choppy outside of Newport Beach. I hope I'm wrong! I'd like to get to Catalina, Dana Point, Oceanside, etc.


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## PCP (Dec 1, 2004)

ArcherBowman said:


> I hate to say it, as I am a monohull guy the the core, but have you considered a catamaran? It's been my experience that they sail flatter and more sea-kindly that monohulls of the same size. It might save your marriage. Giving up a wife is hard.


well, sea kindly in good weather. I bet you never sailed one with heavy weather....well, neither I, but the guys that have done that don't have the same opinion

Regards

Paulo


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## seabreeze_97 (Apr 30, 2006)

Move up 10ft, back 30 years, and up 6 tons. She will have a little more room and it'll handle more like a Rover. Seasmoke would also fit. I mean, it's not as big as a 50ft but drop dead gorgeous. Anyway, you get the idea. Toss in a Hobie for when you need an adrenalin scream.


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## JimsCAL (May 23, 2007)

In my yacht club I would guess the majority of the wives either don't go on the boat at all or only under limited conditions. There is also a fair number that are darn good sailors and enjoy being out on the water in a variety of conditions. I happen to be one of the lucky ones who has a wife that likes to sail despite haven been caught out in some nasty and tense situations over 35 years of sailing. The boat gets hauled tomorrow and she remarked she was sorry to see the season end. I am a REALLY lucky guy.

You have received a lot of good advice here. I think its worth trying to reach some accomodation on this issue. One possible solution to consider if things don't get better is a larger heavier boat. I recently moved up from a racy 30 footer to a 33 foot racer-cruiser. The new boat is actually significantly faster than the old one and the level of comfort in heavier weather and waves is substantial. You don't need to move up to a 50 foot floating condo with a mast to improve the situation.


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## Faster (Sep 13, 2005)

Late to this discussion, but you've gotten some good advice... Basically sometimes you just have to take the time to gradually allow someone to adjust to the conditions out there.

We often turned back in the early days if conditions were such that she was uncomfortable.. patience and understanding worked eventually - it was the first week long cruise at the end of our first summer (on a skinny little 24 footer) that really turned her around.

Unfortunately I don't think your sailing area is that kind of environment..


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## GaryHLucas (Mar 24, 2008)

Newbie,
You are a lucky guy, your wife actually gets on the boat. My wife gave me the money to buy the boat. Sounds good right? Actually it was a test, which I failed miserably by actually buying the boat. Whats worse, I bought a boat with her in mind, not realizing there was no chance she'd ever get on board. Then I found out the boat had some serious problems, and instead of lazy summers on the boat all I've had for 3 years is a large marina payment, and hour upon hour down inside grinding and glassing. Every time I go down to work on it I get an earful about how much this hole in the water costs. You'd think she'd get it by now, 32 years and I punched her in the eye on our second date, starting the outboard on my first sailboat!

So yeah I envy you!

Gary H. Lucas


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## PCP (Dec 1, 2004)

garyhlucas said:


> newbie,
> you are a lucky guy, your wife actually gets on the boat. My wife gave me the money to buy the boat. Sounds good right? Actually it was a test, which i failed miserably by actually buying the boat. *whats worse, i bought a boat with her in mind*, not realizing there was no chance she'd ever get on board. Then i found out the boat had some serious problems, and instead of lazy summers on the boat all i've had for 3 years is a large marina payment, and hour upon hour down inside grinding and glassing. Every time i go down to work on it i get an earful about how much this hole in the water costs. You'd think she'd get it by now, 32 years and i punched her in the eye on our second date, starting the outboard on my first sailboat!
> 
> So yeah i envy you!
> ...


:d:d:d:d


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## PCP (Dec 1, 2004)

JimsCAL said:


> ... You don't need to move up to a 50 foot floating condo with a mast to improve the situation.


A 50ft sailboat is not necessarily a floating condo and even those are faster than much smaller boats. A 50ft performance cruiser is a lot faster and a lot more comfortable.

The real questions are : can he afford it? and has he someone in the marina to help him to put the boat out and in?

There are 50ft sailboats that you can sail alone but they are difficult to put in and take out of the marina even with a bow thruster.

I am not saying that is the solution not even the better solution, only commenting on the "floating condo" besides wives normally love floating condos, particularly those big galleys and some of them are also very good sail boats.

Regards

Paulo


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## glassdad (Feb 21, 2009)

I sail in Oxnard, about 60 mile north of where you Newport Newbie sail. Sunday was a great day FOR ME. It was about 15 kts of wind and 3' to 4' swells with some chop on top. We saw a few boats out that were reefed and my wife said "Why are they reefed?" After being out about 45 minutes she said Let turn around. It was a bit rough for her. So we turned around. Two years ago we would have reefed and gone out maybe 10-15 minutes. 

Just take your time with her and the boat. She will get used to a little rougher conditions over time if she is not pushed. So will you. 

Go out a little earlier in the morning before the wind and sea picks up. We are entering winter where the wind and sea will be rougher. You can skip some days if it is too much. We can sail all winter with out taking the boat out of the water. Take it easy and you will find a companion and shipmate. Push too hard and you will sail alone.

Take care


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## apogee1mars (Aug 13, 2011)

NewportNewbie said:


> While my wife has up to now been VERY pro-sailing...tonight we went out for an Ocean sail...to me..it was NOT that bad...maybe 3-4 foot waves...a tad bit choppy and 15-knot winds...Not a cloud in the sky. After being out for about 45 minutes, she wanted to turn back..."I have to hold on too much and this isn't how I remembered sailing 20 years ago...We used to be able to lay out on the deck.". ..So its gonna probably be the beginning of the end. At some point she will start to drop hints that we should sell the boat...then the hints will be flat out demands. Happened to the Porsche's. OR, she will want a bigger, smoother more comfortable boat. *I am really trying hard to figure out a way that she can get into it more.* She isn't all that interested in learning to sail, she wants to ride along comfortably.


Here are your options:

1. Ask your wife to look in her purse for your huevos, then ask (politely) if you can borrow them for awhile.

2. Take her sailing and have some friends dressed as pirates board you and do what pirates do. (she might really like this and want to go sailing all the time, especially if you tell her that there are a lot of pirates off shore).

3. Do not sell the boat, sell the wife.

4. Get the final word always by saying "yes dear"

I hope this helps with your delima...............


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## andrewoliv (Sep 22, 2011)

*get rid of the wife*

When my first wife demanded I sell the boat it was very telling. After 23 years she obviously didn't know me very well.

She is gone the boat is still here and my new wife loves to sail more than I do! Divorce after 23 years costs a pretty penny but looking back well worth the change. Life is to short to spend it with a woman with no sea legs!


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## TakeFive (Oct 22, 2009)

andrewoliv said:


> When my first wife demanded I sell the boat it was very telling. After 23 years she obviously didn't know me very well.
> 
> She is gone the boat is still here and my new wife loves to sail more than I do! Divorce after 23 years costs a pretty penny but looking back well worth the change. Life is to short to spend it with a woman with no sea legs!


This is hardly the first example of excessive bravado on an Internet message board. Everyone has their priorities, but sailing to me is just a hobby. I love my wife more than my boat, and my choice would be the opposite of yours, if this was all about the boat as you suggest. But something tells me there must have been other problems besides the boat.


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## CorvetteGuy (Jun 4, 2011)

**Do you know why they make portholes round????????

So da wave don't hit u square in da face!!!!


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## tdw (Oct 2, 2006)

Faster said:


> Late to this discussion, but you've gotten some good advice... Basically sometimes you just have to take the time to gradually allow someone to adjust to the conditions out there.
> 
> We often turned back in the early days if conditions were such that she was uncomfortable.. patience and understanding worked eventually - it was the first week long cruise at the end of our first summer (on a skinny little 24 footer) that really turned her around.
> 
> Unfortunately I don't think your sailing area is that kind of environment..


Did the same and its good advice. Whenever we went out early in the piece I'd always keep an eye on the Wombet and if I saw her looking a little concerned we'd just turn around.

End result ... we sailed up to the lake saw plus 35, did the race saw plus 30 and saw plus 30 coming home ... the Wombet ? Didin't bat an eyelid.

What I find interesting though is the OP's talk of 50'ers. The problem occurred on a 30'er which is likely to be a tad twitchy after all .... chances are something early 40s would be quite suitable and overcome the problems. 50' just seems like overkill.


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## Dog Ship (Sep 23, 2011)

Well' here is a picture of my wife sailing. Need I say more.


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## PCP (Dec 1, 2004)

Well, it seems that she wants the boat stopped and is there to prevent you to sail it?

Regards

Paulo


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## rbrasi (Mar 21, 2011)

Wait..... Your wives have actually seen your boats? Is that normal?


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## NewportNewbie (Jul 30, 2011)

So the wife doesn't want to get out of sailing. She wants to look at a 35 ft Beneteau and wonders if that will be a smoother sailing boat. I also wonder if i can still easily singlehand it like I can this one.


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## ArcherBowman (Jul 1, 2009)

Hmmmm . . . when I was in the cardiac ICU having "pauses," and losing consciousness she hung on to my hand and said "You can't die! I don't know how to back the boat!" 

True story.


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## CalebD (Jan 11, 2008)

Comparing: SANTANA 30 sailboat on sailboatdata.com
to, say a Bene 361 (they do not make a 35' it seems): BENETEAU 361 sailboat on sailboatdata.com
on paper is not so easy. Best to get on board different boats and see how they feel.
Contrast to something like this older Ketch: SEAWIND MK II KETCH (ALLIED) sailboat on sailboatdata.com

Lots of stuff to think about here.


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## NewportNewbie (Jul 30, 2011)

The one I saw was a bene oceanis 352. It's a 35 footer.


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## mrlassiter (Mar 17, 2011)

We sail a hunter 34 out of Ventura on occasion, and in the same conditions (or worse, usually) and it is like a hobby horse. Even I don't like the action on it, so much... I think it is a function of a narrow(bow to stern-wise) fin keel and the light weight. (not much experience here, but...) We have sailed a few older, heavier boats that seemed less 'pitchy'. You might try crewing on some other boats, both older-heavier and newer-longer, to see how you like them. If you crew as newbie racers, so much the better, you may find much different perspective on sailing, boats, and adventure... Also, what others said about leaving the main up (to quiet the sideways motion) and easing sheets to lessen heel.

Hope you find your solution! Also, wouldn't mind sailing with you, ourselves, if you'ld like another couple to go along. My wife probably feels much the same about the venture.

mrlassiter.


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## jameswilson29 (Aug 15, 2009)

NewportNewbie said:


> After being out for about 45 minutes, she wanted to turn back..."I have to hold on too much...


Instead of buying a new boat, perhaps you just need to lash her more securely to the stanchions...

:laugher


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## GeorgeDog (Mar 11, 2010)

Threads like this remind me not to take my wife for granted. Flowers tonight....


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## Bamazeb (Sep 13, 2011)

Newbie from reading this and your other threads it appears that you are into high winds, big waves and alot of speed. If you go for the bigger boat you probably wont get the splash in the face experience you are looking for. I'd suggest taking your wife out on the calm days since that is what she seems to enjoy. Throw out the 150 and enjoy the afternoon together. Buy a Hobie 16 for yourself on those wild days when you want the Rush. If you buy the 35+ boat and she ultimtely doesnt get in to it. You might find yourself sailing solo as a Liveaboard.


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## WDS123 (Apr 2, 2011)

Newport,


Keep the boat you currently own a SAILboat not a floating condo. the floating condos have dreadful sailing qualities. think Minivan vs. Miata 


the floating condos might be bigger, but they are bigger in all the wrong places - excessive freeboard, wide sterns, and big fat masts - so a 50 ft floating condo might not be more sta le than your 30ftr. Your 30ftr was designed primarily to be a good round the blouys racer for precisely the conditions off Balboa Pier. 

simlpy sail with her on calm days in Newport. she will slowly get acclimated. You should get a bit more experience before sailing in heavy conditions in a y event. 

BTW how much driving time has she had ? Give her the chan e to take the helm, she will gradually slowly become more comfortable with the entire experience and eventually will want to drve outside.


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## WDS123 (Apr 2, 2011)

Just checked out your stunning video - beautiful images and perfect music.


Now for my comments on the sailing. This was relatively light air and calm seas, yet you were helped over quite a bit, there should have been little or nor water co,ing over the bow. 

Some advice:


1) learn to manipulate your sail controls ( vang, Cunningham, outhaul ) to control how powered up or down the boat is.

2) go to minney's and spend $100 for a 95% jib which will fit on this boat - rig the jib when you go outside until you can control your mainsail. Wife will thank you. 

3) learn to work the mainsail to keep the boat flat. Ease when it heels and power up in lulls. 

4) telltales for the foresails, and the leech of the main. Old cassette tape is the best.


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## PCP (Dec 1, 2004)

WDSchock said:


> Newport,
> 
> Keep the boat you currently own a SAILboat not a floating condo. the floating condos have dreadful sailing qualities. think Minivan vs. Miata
> 
> the floating condos might be bigger, but they are bigger in all the wrong places - excessive freeboard, wide sterns, and big fat masts - so a 50 ft floating condo might not be more sta le than your 30ftr. ...


Look at this floating Condo and to its performance. I can easily find monohull condos with very good performance.

Gunboat 66 Video - YouTube

Phaedo Caribbean 600 - YouTube






Regards

Paulo


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## AdamLein (Nov 6, 2007)

PCP said:


> Look at this floating Condo and to its performance. I can easily find monohull condos with very good performance.
> 
> Gunboat 66 Video - YouTube


Gazelle is for sale (2008 Gunboat 66 Sail Boat For Sale - www.yachtworld.com).

Anybody wanna go in as partners?


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## svHyLyte (Nov 13, 2008)

NewportNewbie said:


> So the wife doesn't want to get out of sailing. She wants to look at a 35 ft Beneteau and wonders if that will be a smoother sailing boat. I also wonder if i can still easily singlehand it like I can this one.


We sailed a Cal 2-29 out of Alamitos Bay YC for years--and years. All over heck's half acre. And more than once took a butt kicking trying to make it back up-wind to Long Beach from Dana Point or Newport. We later brought the boat here to SW Florida. My wife was always game. We bought our First 42 in the fall of 2001 and took delivery in January 2002. The difference in the boats is/was major. While on our first trip on the "big" boat we got into some butt-kicking weather. My wife was so much more calm that I commented on it and she confided that on the Cal she always felt fearful, even in fair weather but on the First she felt very safe because she wasn't "so close to the water". Now she does about all of the "driving" when the auto-pilot is not and I handle the physical labor and she's very happy and confident. No guaranty but you may find the same with your wife.

Mine:


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## MarkSF (Feb 21, 2011)

If you do change boats, get a nice classic cruiser like this :

1983 Bristol 38.8 Sail Boat For Sale - www.yachtworld.com

You won't believe how much more sea-kindly they are.


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## Ninefingers (Oct 15, 2009)

Hey Newport, before you do anything hasty, may I suggest something, well...less hasty 

Have you thought about joining Sailtime for a year before you decide on another boat? The base at Newport has 33, 36, 38, and 44 foot Hunters, all virtually new. If your wife can't fall in love with sailing after a season on of those, your probably out of luck.

There is one in Newport:

Newport Beach Sailing at SailTime Orange County


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## hellosailor (Apr 11, 2006)

"I am really trying hard to figure out a way that she can get into it more."
I suppose a ketamine martini would be politically incorrect?

Sounds like you'd best keep sailing with the boys and take the missus out only on windless days with flat water. Unless she really means, the chop is making her seasick, in which case there are often remedies.


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## TakeFive (Oct 22, 2009)

I have a buddy who really thinks he know how to sail. He rents a daysailer once every year or so when vacationing at Martha's Vineyard. He mostly singlehands because his wife refuses to get on a boat with him.

First time we invited them on our boat, I learned why she refuses to sail with him. (She agreed to come this time because he wasn't the skipper.) He first complained that the we were wimps for reefing, so we shook it out to accommodate him. Later, every time I looked away, he was pulling on the mainsheet to trim the main as tight as he could get it, even though we were on a reach. He got the boat up to about 40 degrees heel (and much less than hull speed) before I ordered him to keep hands off the sheets and let my wife do it.

A year later we went out together because my wife was out of town and I needed crew. He did the same thing again, and didn't want to reef for the conditions, arguing that "we would lose power." I told him that once we hit hull speed, any extra power was wasted on turbulence and dragging the hull form down in the water. I also told him my hull design is made to sail optimally at 15 degrees, and heeling beyond that pushes the belly of the beam down into the water (more drag), as well as having to constantly fight the rudder to prevent rounding up (more drag again). I reefed, loosened the sail trim, got the boat back to 15 degrees, and increased our speed by 1/2 knot with a much more comfortable ride and no weather helm.

In retrospect, it seems this guy is used to sailing planing boats, and knows nothing about the limitations of displacement boats.

I don't know how much the OP knows about his own boat, but it sounds like he might be overpowering his boat, which generates an uncomfortable ride, disgruntled crew, potentially dangerous conditions, and will still not succeed at exceeding hull speed.

A bigger boat is harder to overpower, but it's an expensive way to solve a problem that might be more easily solved through refining your sailing skills.


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## NewportNewbie (Jul 30, 2011)

This for the advice...The heel angle isn't at all the issue...it was the up and down motion of the bot over and through the waves. Like I said it was a tad bit choppy. I asked her if it was the angle and even adjusted the boat so there was less heel through the traveler, but she insisted it wasn't the heel angle, it was the up and down. She said she wasn't scared and wasn't worried, she just had to hold on too much for her liking. We looked at a few ads for newer/bigger boats and when it was all said and done she didn't see anything that compelled her to want one more than the boat we have. So I will take her out early in light winds...and save the choppy stuff for the fellas.


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## TakeFive (Oct 22, 2009)

NewportNewbie said:


> ...The heel angle isn't at all the issue...it was the up and down motion of the bot over and through the waves. Like I said it was a tad bit choppy. I asked her if it was the angle and even adjusted the boat so there was less heel through the traveler, but she insisted it wasn't the heel angle, it was the up and down...


OK, sounds like you know how to avoid overpowering. I'll leave my post up anyway since others look here for advice also.

I hae one other comment that might be helpful to you or others. I had to add 300 lb of ballast in the bow of my little boat to make her sail on her lines. This fixed a hatch leak (since the the hatched was designed for rainwater to drain forward off the foredeck), greatly improved visibility (since the bow was lower), and reduced weather helm (since the mast was raked less). One unanticipated improvement was that it greatly reduced hobby horsing.

300 lb. may not be much for a boat your size - my boat is known to be a lightweight design. But some additional ballast in both the bow and stern (balanced to keep her on her lines) would increase the moment of inertia of your boat, and might reduce hobby horsing for you. However, you should consult other owners of your boat to compare notes on what's safe and effective for your particular boat.


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## apogee1mars (Aug 13, 2011)

AdamLein said:


> Gazelle is for sale (2008 Gunboat 66 Sail Boat For Sale - www.yachtworld.com).
> 
> Anybody wanna go in as partners?


Don't most large cat's end up upside down floating around in the Sargasso Sea eventually?


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## WDS123 (Apr 2, 2011)

Newport,


Sounds as if you do know how to manipulate sails to depower - good !

In waves/chop one can steer to reduce the pitching and amount of spary coming over the bow by working the tiller plus/minus 3-7 degrees.

Upwind - steer diagonally up the wave face and then straight down the back of the wave.


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## NewportNewbie (Jul 30, 2011)

WDSchock said:


> Newport,
> 
> Sounds as if you do know how to manipulate sails to depower - good !
> 
> ...


Thanks! I will try that next time I'm out there. I was going through them somewhat straight.


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