# Living Aboard: Concerned about son's video game use



## glossa (Sep 16, 2012)

We have been living aboard for three years now and have noticed a steady increase in our son's video game usage. He is ten. Anymore, it's the only thing he wants to do. Sure, we can still pry him loose to go for a sail, play catch, roller blading, chess, etc, but it's becoming more apparent that he'd rather be on the computer. In a matter of time, we think even these options will no longer be 'suitable'. We have also noticed a decline in his overall demeanor and leveling off of his social skills, which is a concern. Going cold turkey seems an attractive option, but is easier said than done. I'm not so concerned about the backlash; I wonder if there really is not much for him to do on board. As parents, its easy to spout off a list of options when hit with the question "What can I do?" So while we can prove to ourselves that there really ARE things to do, it doesn't work. It's also unfortunate that there are no kids his age in our marina. The most successful alternatives are the ones that require us to be involved, e.g. dingy sailing, wrestling on the bed, hacky sack, legos, etc. But oftentimes, we need time to ourselves to complete tasks or maybe even relax, and so we want our children to willingly engage in activities on their own. They need to find their own entertainment. 

So if you've gone cold turkey, I'm curious to know how that worked out for your child. How did they adapt? Were they able to find activities on their own to occupy their time? Alternatively, if you allow video game use on board, have you been able to achieve some kind of balance? Has it detracted from their interest in other activities? And in general, what are your children's favorite on-board activities?

Thank you.


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## caberg (Jul 26, 2012)

We have a 9 year old son and I can relate to some of what you say, so I'm not sure it's a only a liveaboard issue. Given no limits, our son would be happy to spend hours in front of a screen. So we definitely do need to help and encourage him to participate in other activities. He definitely does not find his own activities without some assistance by us to get there, although once engaged in something (usually outside) he can be happy playing for hours. Honestly, from the little bit you've shared, it sounds like your son needs a friend. Since our son is an only child, we've (well, mostly my wife, great foresight on her part) placed a big emphasis on fostering friendships with kids from school, from the neighborhood, and with cousins. That's been invaluable for him as an only child. We have a friend sleeping over a few times a month, and kids joining us for activities all the time. It does make a big difference to his general well being and happiness I think. Mom and Dad can get pretty boring after awhile!

All that said, recently we've started sensing that our 9 year old is showing some early tween attitudes, where he can seem down and sullen for no real reason, which is a change from the always-happy chipper kid we've always known. I think it's a natural part of growing up and not really anything concerning, but if we did feel concerned we'd reach out to his physician or a counselor at school if we felt like we needed some additional outside advice. 

Good luck!


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## MarkofSeaLife (Nov 7, 2010)

I am not a father so I can not advise.

When I was 10 I was never allowed in the house between breakfast and dinner. 
Mum packed an 'Adventure Lunch' and kicked me out until dinner time. And whoa be my butt if I was home late for dinner - not that I had a watch. 

I knew my local area like no person could. I made friends with kids from school or in my adventure area. I fished, I swam, I hiked, I wandered. I had a life. 

In winter Mum said I was cold and had to wear heavy clothes; in summer I was brown as a berry. I never wore shoes summer or winter nor to school.

When we moved to a bigger city and a larger school when I was 12 I told the other kids it was the first time I had worn shoes to school. They thought my parents were very poor.

Pull the plug and pack your kid an Adventure Lunch.


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## caberg (Jul 26, 2012)

Everything Mark writes above sounds great, and don't we all as parents wish parenting was that easy. Sounds like a movie (wait, isn't that Stand By Me??).

But I do think there's something to what Mark has said. Finding the right balance between being involved with your kids and also promoting independence is not easy. 

Doing what Mark writes above would probably get the authorities called depending on where you live. I know in my community, 10 year olds out wandering around without parents all day probably wouldn't fly. 30+ years ago, probably a different story.


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## ImGary01 (Feb 8, 2018)

What I didn't read here is if you talked to your son. Have a conversation and really listen. Instead of you trying to find activities for him, ask him what he would like to do and engage him in planning activities for all of you to do together.


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## MacBlaze (Jan 18, 2016)

I don't think it's the living aboard so much as the (I assume) single child issue. Screen time is endemic to our society and it becomes a hell of a lot easier than getting out and dealing with real kids in the real world—which we all know isn't always much fun. My kid (in his 20s now) still suffers from that bad socialization (and, I admit belatedly, not-the-world's-best-parenting) although he turned out pretty ok. I will say that the one thing we did teach him was enduring things. The number of times we went head to head with him, stripping him of all privileges (and electronic toys) vs the amount of times he out-stubborned us...well... almost makes me proud 

Seriously though, the screen will never go away short of the collapse of society, so getting him out and about is a full-time parenting task. Rock climbing worked for us; maybe try a sailing dinghy club? Video blogging? Dungeons and Dragons? Visiting cousins? Any sort of team sport, especially some of the "fun" leagues? There area a lot of cool "clubs" out there if you keep digging.


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## travlin-easy (Dec 24, 2010)

Mark is absolutely correct. My children, son and daughter, were and still are very creative, though they both have smart phones now and spend far too much time on them. When they were young, I took them fishing at the local farm ponds, taught them how to fly fish, spin fish, tie knots, etc... We traveled to the mountains, hiked to the tops of some very high peaks when we lived in Spokane, WA, well above the snow line at times. Every Sunday, my son, who was just 5 at the time, would go with me to Spokane Falls and we would feet the rock chucks )(marmots) peanuts. He loved it and looked forward to this every Sunday. 

When we moved back to Maryland, we were always doing something outdoors together as a family. TV was something they watched when it was too late to go outdoors, or just too nasty. When computer games came around, my son soon became very interested, and later, became one of the top software engineers in the nation and still is. However, he spends 90 percent of his leisure time on his boat with his wife and daughters. 

My 10 year old grandson, who thinks he's smarter than anyone older than himself, quickly became addicted to those tiny screens. It didn't take long for his people skills to go downhill, he began talking back to his mother and getting into trouble on the school bus and in school. His grades went down the tubes as well. One day, when he thought he could get away with just about anything, my daughter announced that was the end of his smart phone, tablet and video games - the $hit hit the fan! This was about six months ago. Since then, there has be a significant change in his overall attitude, he now participates in school sports and when he's home, he's usually outside playing with neighborhood kids, usually baseball or socker. When he asks when he will get those screens back, my daughter usually responds "When I think you have earned the right to use them properly." Cold turkey was the best way to go in his case as well.

Good luck,

Gary


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## drew1711 (May 22, 2004)

"Screen time" when I was a kid was called television. I don't think it's necessary to go cold turkey, but wise to set reasonable limits and enforce them. Good advice about engaging the kid about what he wants to do with his new found screen free time.


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## Sal Paradise (Sep 14, 2012)

Well I raised 3 succesful sons. They all delved into video games and for years it was to extremes. No ill effect that I can see. I feel sort of sorry for the little guy but instead of taking away his games, it would behoove you to find other activities for the boy, such as boy scouts, little league, instrument lessons. And let him play video games in between his other activities.

I wasn't going to share this story but then I looked at your profile. So listen here - when I was a little kid my Dad came home from Vietnam and although he was a fairly ok dad he was sort of PTSD. Completely unrelated to his experience or anything else really - my brother and I and friends would " play army" out in the yards and woods with plastic M-16's and rocks. A couple of the hippy parents down the street didn't want to let their kids play with us because they thought my dad was a war monger. Nothing could be further from the truth!

I think its sort of the same with the video games. We are projecting our fears onto the kids. The kids are just playing games. Sure, we should encourage other activities.

My Dad never bothered to make us stop playing war. As I said he just didn't worry about it. But it was like our video game. We both graduated high school, college and got good jobs, got married and had families. My brother is a social worker and I am an architect. *None of the fears projected at our childhood amounted to anything. *

I think the kids are all right. I wouldn't cut off the boys game. But I'd definitely spend the time and effort to find him activities which will get him away from it.

Besides, as Gary alludes, the real danger is the smart phone. On the other hand, that is the main way kids connect with each other. So that's a double edged sword. My wife was raised before smart phones were invented and now as a 50 year old she is addicted to the stupid thing. Her face is usually glued to it.


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## caberg (Jul 26, 2012)

I agree with Sal that I don't really see a need to cut off all screen time. It's only when it becomes a problem that limits need to be established. The idea of being outside all the time fishing, hiking and camping from sunrise to sunset is great, but it's not realistic. We do all that with our son regularly and he loves the outdoors -- he actually expresses a real appreciation for the peaceful feeling he gets when being in the wilderness -- but there are times when playing a game on a screen is a good way for him to relax and pass some time. I see no problem with that.

We generally aim for less than an hour of screen time a day which is split between the morning an evening. On weekdays we require him to read for at least 20 minutes before he can turn a screen on, and then it's only if he's gotten all ready for school and has extra time (he usually does). Most evenings we get outside, but he usually is on a screen while we get dinner ready, which is a good time for him to relax and unwind after being at school and after school activities all day. 

He's way into minecraft these days, and actually I think he's acquired some neat skills and knowledge from both playing the game, and watching youtube videos of others playing. I really don't understand it but listen to him talk about mods and mobs and all kinds of weird stuff, and I can see that his brain is working and engaged in what he's doing. I see this as a good thing, but again only when it's one of many things he enjoys doing and not the only thing.


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## jephotog (Feb 25, 2002)

I don't see this as a sailing or a live-aboard issue but as an uncle on both sides who knows how I could have a much better job raising children I only see a few weeks a year..... I know this is a universal life issue of modern day life. My sister who is a pediatrician struggles to keep her boys video game time to slightly less than their waking hours.

At my suggestion she has bought a limiter to their daily allotment of wifi. You can do this on your own router with a little no-how or buy a specific hub. The problem my sister has it is easier to give in and let the game act as an electronic baby sitter, than fight a tantrum.

My sister in law has a ADD son who is also a video game addict. She is much stricter and the behavior is better controlled. He is allowed almost no internet because he has an issue. My nephews are allowed unlimited because they have an issue.

My suggestion is to set a strict limitation and make the wifi time being the carrot and wifi removal being the stick.


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## Minnewaska (Feb 21, 2010)

I didn’t read others input, as I have to run. Here’s a thought I used, when my kids were young. At about 11-12, when the schools began to offer extra curricular activities, after school, we required they pick one. It could be anything they wanted to try. A sport, a club, anything. If they didn’t like it, pick something else next time. It really was for their own good, not to get them away from video games. It was intended to help them become a whole person, to socialize, to learn a skill. They each wandered through a few different attempts. Coincidentally, they both settled on rowing crew throughout high school, my son becoming the captain of his team.

I’m not playing arm chair psychiatrist, but if you’re noticing a change in demeanor or personality, it might be worth a professional assessment. Hopefully, all is well. Raising kids is the most rewarding and most difficult thing I’ve ever done. And I certainly didn’t get it all right.


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## capta (Jun 27, 2011)

You are the parents; *you* set the rules!
If there's not enough to keep your child occupied aboard, then you must have a perfect boat. Between maintenance, cleaning, sailing, washing dishes, help cooking, fishing, futzing around in the dinghy, I should think there is plenty he could be doing off the computer. And when none of these are a go, there's always entertaining things he can do off the computer, not the least of which is *reading*. I believe it is very important for a child to use *his/her* imagination, not live in some imaginary world someone else thought up. There must be a variety of organized athletic/social activities available to kids that age in your town. It may be a bit inconvenient for the parents, but that's kinda the deal, if one chooses to be parents, isn't it? 
If he was my child, one hour a day max for playing on the computer (and probably not even that, but that's just me) and of course any school work or assignments from you would be beyond that. I think it's too easy to let the computer be the babysitter, like many parents did with the TV, in the past. 
I raised a child circumnavigating in the 70's and she did just fine with no TV or computers. This is one addiction I believe parents should quash before it becomes the child's whole world.


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## Minnewaska (Feb 21, 2010)

More recent studies have determined that video games are not evil. In fact, they can help with eye-hand coordination, cognition and they now have a social aspect. Kids usually play online, against other people with whom they chat or even speak. They share a common interest, which is a very health social thing to identify, for kids and adults. 

It’s when they become an obsession or they take away from sufficient active time that video games are destructive. It is also possible that one develops an asocial or behavioral issue and the video game is a self prescribed panacea. It may not be the video game that caused it. 

In the end, everyone needs balance. Even reading all day is not good for you. Find a balance between active, social and mental.


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## Sal Paradise (Sep 14, 2012)

I agree with Minnewaska. Especially on the Minecraft game which I remember all my kids playing and as he says, they built some amazing stuff in that game and they also wasted a lot of time. But now they are adults on their own doing all the things we all do, and it doesn't seem the mine craft had any ill effect.


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## BillMoran (Oct 1, 2016)

I'm a little reluctant to bring this up ... but, screw it, you always regret the chances you don't take.

I've got a social disorder. It's always been difficult for me to interact with other people like "normal" people do. I especially dislike crowds and parties and similar situations that make me want to gnaw my arm off to escape.

As a child, my father was disturbed because I didn't have enough friends and spent too much time in front of the computer. He made a point of dragging me around to meet people and generally made me ****ing miserable. Later on in life, I took some classes and put some effort into learning how to be better in social situations, which has allowed me to function mostly normally, but has done absolutely nothing to make social activities any more pleasant or anything like that. It's basically just propped me up enough to allow me to do what's necessary.

In retrospect, I'm not really sure if my parent's approach to things was helpful or hurtful. However, I _do_ wish the situation had been more of a dialog than the drag-out fights that usually ensued. The flip side of that coin is that I was a pretty stupid kid ... I'm not sure I would have understood any effort to discuss the situation.

So ... the tiny bit of advice I can offer:
First, try talking about your concerns with the kid. Who knows, maybe he's smarter than me and will understand. If not, you haven't really lost much.
Second. I currently work for Uber's ATG as a software developer, making better than average money, working in my spare time to refit my Tartan 37 so I can go cruising full time at the end of this year. Having been accused of spending too much time in front of the computer as a child, I can't say if that put me where I am or hindered me from going further. I'm just saying that things can work out better than you expect.


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## MarkofSeaLife (Nov 7, 2010)

BillMoran said:


> working in my spare time to refit my Tartan 37 so I can go cruising full time at the end of this year.


Cruising is good because you can decide yourself exactly how much interaction you want.

Even in crowded anchorages, like Georgetown, Bahamas it's not often people knock on the side of your boat, there's always a beach with no one on it, and you're never forced to go to Sundowners on the beach.

Or you can up anchor and go to some place isolated from all bar nature.


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## tempest (Feb 12, 2007)

Show some interest. Play a few computer games with the kid. It's what interests HIM at the moment. Let him teach you something. I got my butt kicked by a two year old once, playing Super Mario. He Laughed at me, but it started a dialogue. If you show interest in his passions, he might take some interest in yours.


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## jcwhite (Apr 7, 2011)

Not gonna weigh in too deeply, because it seems like there's plenty of reasonable advice flying around. I grew up with video games, as did my brother. We both played a lot, but also spent lots of time hiking, canoeing, playing soccer, and such with friends/family. My parents had a tool that let us manage our screen time: they bought two kitchen timers, one for each of us. On weekdays we got 1hr of screen time, on weekends we got 2 hrs. It was up to us to decide if we wanted to play video games (I'm sure they checked which ones, but we never felt controlled), or watch TV. When our time was up, that was it. We knew the rules, and mostly self-policed. If we got a new game or something we would generally get a weekend of free-for-all, but for the most part we followed it quite strictly, and it worked very well for us. Just another tool to use if going cold turkey is a bit too extreme.

In general, what the others have said about not projecting too much. My brother was a raid leader in World of Warcraft for 4 years, and ran the best guild on his server (taking up about 60hrs a week of screen time). He learned business administration, leadership in challenging scenarios, team management, asset management, and all sorts of other things. He's a corporate lawyer now, and loves the challenges it gives him. Not that it really matters, but he also makes more money than both my parents and I combined.


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## Solandri (Sep 7, 2012)

My 2 cents. Be sure you're trying to limit video game time for the right reasons. I grew up in the 1980s when computers were new and I knew more about them than my parents. They were horrified with how much time I was "wasting" in front of the computer screen, playing games, programming, etc. They ingrained in me a sense that it was "wrong" to use computers as much as I did, and that real-world tasks like building bridges were _always_ more important than virtual tasks done on a computer. So much so that I ended up studying mechanical engineering in college, even though my intro to CS prof practically begged me to switch majors to CS.

In hindsight, that was a mistake. I had a natural talent for computers and programming. And as we all know now, computers and programming have been the biggest technological and economic revolution in the last half century. I do some incidental programming and troubleshooting now and then, and several times I've been able to deduce the cause of a bug I reported quicker than the programmer who wrote the code. I should have switched my major to CS. It's water under the bridge now, but every now and then I do wonder what would've happened if I had graduated with a CS degree in the early 1990s - the heyday of the Internet revolution. I don't blame my parents - they were trying to raise me as best they could with their understanding of how the world worked. Computers were just too new and different from anything they had experienced in their lives. But I do believe they made a mistake in actively _discouraging_ me from pursuing something I was naturally gifted at.

Instead of cutting off something he clearly enjoys, try to figure out why he enjoys it. Then see if you can help branch that out into other interests which may be useful in a future career. As others have mentioned, Minecraft develops a lot of planning and reasoning skills. Running a guild in a MMORPG develops considerable interpersonal and management skills. And some first person shooters allow you to build you own levels, which requires considerable design, planning, and creative skills.


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## MarkofSeaLife (Nov 7, 2010)

Great post Solandri.


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## SeaStar58 (Feb 14, 2018)

You really need to be engaged in his activities to see why he spends so much time with the games. For some its role playing which can be very dangerous as they can eventualy get so immersed into living the life of a virtual character that they will ignore the need to eat and sleep while for others its to be the aggressor destroying things which one also needs to be careful of along with watchful of social media predators however much is fairly harmless unless taken to an excess. You really need to know what your facing in order to take the appropriate action to deal with it. 

When my wife and I gave our children their first devices we set up ground rules on how and when they were to be used and it did require that we engage them in other activities even when we would have preferred to be doing something else. 

We also included them in what we were doing even if it was going to someones house to help with a repair bringing them as helpers even if it was more work having them along. I even did silly things taking them to parks as helpers so Dad could photograph "Pretty Flowers" and "Disgusting Insects", listen to children's music with them, play children's board games, buy children's coloring books getting extras for Mom and Dad so they could join in on the fun, to see Bobo the Clown or some such thing on Ice paying the absurd rates for the commemorative cups along with more serious offerings like arts and crafts fairs, heritage village tours, museums that had nothing that I was interested in and the like. Took them on mountain biking camping trips and wowed their friends when this disabled senior citizen strapped his cane to the frame of a mountain bike, put his feet in the toe straps on the pedals and led the pack up and down the intermediate trail (my bones still ache). 

They handed Mom and Dad tools, carted oil bottles, went camping, hiking, etc, etc, etc sometime willingly while other times with some persuasion (you have to make it a sandwich with some kind of reward afterward especially if persuasion was involved) and you know what, now that they are in their late 20's early 30's a lot of it stuck. They enjoy getting outside to garden, attend fairs, visit botanical gardens/parks/scenic areas to take pictures along with helping others with gardening, sewing, hanging drywall, painting, digging ditches, disaster relief so forth and so on. The eldest is still competing with me to see who can take the best photographs of moving water however gives me trouble at times borrowing some of my favorite tools not wanting to give them back asking if she can buy me a newer one and trade since she likes how quiet the old one is or the weight of it being more appropriate for a girl. Computer time now is an ancillary activity and a tool to help them set up/plan their physical activities or for some entertainment during down time.

Parenting is a full time job with plenty of overtime that really does not end until your dead and the thanks may not come around until your children are attending your funeral. Some may put having children this way, "Don't do the Crime if you Can't do the Time" and its a life sentence. Yes its worth it!


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## Sal Paradise (Sep 14, 2012)

We don't know if the kids interest and knowledge extends beyond gaming.


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## SeaStar58 (Feb 14, 2018)

Sal Paradise said:


> We don't know if the kids interest and knowledge extends beyond gaming.


That's why you have to be engaged or otherwise you won't be able to groom those interests over the years. Some liken it to planting and grooming a tree where you overcome traits that are less than preferable with gently consistent encouragement in the desired direction as a sudden violent correction can cause a break and permanent damage with scars. You have to take time to know the child and then use that knowledge to make the adjustments. Even knowing the types of games they are drawn too can tell you a lot and better enable you to work with them. Its not a battle since you will most often loose if you turn it into one.


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## MacBlaze (Jan 18, 2016)

I just want to make a point here for us adults, that the issue these days is not specifically video games or even games at all. The danger is screen time (and by virtue of all of our participation in this forum, we are all guilty of indulging). 

A lot of us are old enough to have grown up with video games , but very few of us were subjected to 24/7 connectivity and the omni-present information screens. I am not saying it's all a bad thing but focussing on controlling games will address only half (or less) of the issue. We all spend way too much time looking at our own screens and arguing over the stupidest things not to recognize what that might be doing to younger brains...


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## Sal Paradise (Sep 14, 2012)

All good points. In many ways video games are that generation's movies. So, that's like saying a kid might become a film producer because he likes to watch movies.


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## TQA (Apr 4, 2009)

Game Boys et al are crack cocaine for kids. 

It is up to parents to limit their use and find other activities.

But it is easy to let kids get addicted and possibly less worrying. After all I was often miles from home on my bike at age 12 and making a crossbow from a car spring at night.


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## John Cotgrave (Jun 8, 2018)

I'm almost 30, and i spent lots of time in front for a computer in my teenage years. I was not completely consumed by the computer games, and sometimes the games were played socially with friends. I had other hobbies like hunting fishing and paintball. I spent time in the garage learning mechanics with my father. I don't spend anytime anymore. I think he might grow out of it. I stopped around the time i went to university, so maybe that's what to wait for.


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## vpo3 (Aug 22, 2006)

This is a tough issue. Lots of good advice.


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## lschmidt25 (Jul 9, 2018)

You've trapped your 10 year old son on a boat with no kids his age, what did you expect would happen?

When I was 10 I was playing sports, going to friends houses, watching movies as a family, helping around the house, doing "normal" things that a 10 year old would do with a family.

I couldn't imagine living on a boat at that age with no kids to play with, no neighborhood or back yard to run around in, etc.

I think the answer to your dilemma is obvious.


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## jephotog (Feb 25, 2002)

lschmidt25 said:


> You've trapped your 10 year old son on a boat with no kids his age, what did you expect would happen?
> 
> When I was 10 I was playing sports, going to friends houses, watching movies as a family, helping around the house, doing "normal" things that a 10 year old would do with a family.


I have nephews that live in big houses in temperate climates where they could play outside 300+ days a year, they would rather play video games. Blaming this issue on living aboard is putting blame in the wrong place. You should be blaming "kids these days"


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## Attikos (May 26, 2018)

You're asking sailors about child management?

Well, OK. Tie him to the mast and give him a few lashes.


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