# Sailing with Spouses



## sab30 (Oct 11, 2006)

A lot of comments regarding how to get the "wife" to go on a multi year cruising adventure, BUT sometimes I think to myself that could be the biggest challenge. Little things can get annoying after a couple weeks of too much time together but every minute....every day... together...perhaps this is the reason for the Rum


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## Stillraining (Jan 11, 2008)

We don't live on a boat but for us its the other way around...If I'm working allot and gone we argue more in the time we do have together then If I'm not working very much and around the house more..

For us its the time together that makes us more sympathetic and tender toward each other..

I guess what I'm trying to say is I disagree with the "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" wives tail ..We get set in our ways quickly and selfish and demanding when we are alone but together constantly, we mesh together and love on each other constantly..always trying to provide what the other needs.

I don't know if mine will ever sail an ocean with me..but I would never leave her to enable myself to live the life alone or with some other..Hopefully our plan of 6 months on and 6 months off the boat will be to her liking..if so it will be plenty good enough for me....she is game to try it anyway.

Good luck


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## dogsailors (Jan 11, 2007)

you shouldnt have to "get " your wife to go sailing , because there has to be passion involved to suffer day in and out on a boat, it has to be something you cant live without.


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## NoahsArk73 (Oct 28, 2009)

The couples cruising works because she's as devoted as he to the adventure. Older couple featured in Latitude this Summer was nice, they left for a 6 monther to Bahamas on an Islander 36 and have been cruising for 12 years straight on about 1000 bucks/month. 

There's that, and I'm reminded of the young man who solo sailed circumnavy on some record but then met his wife in Europe; and their fight was about him not setting a record because she was onboard... compromising she met him at every port for the newlywed shuffle.

Close quarters is nothing but beneficial when the BOND fire is burnin. That said I do reccomend "Unlikely Passages" by Reese Palley, Chapter 2 "Love And Sex On A Sailboat".

Sounds simple enough, I'm 25, and all I've seen from marriage is a lot of hard work... Currently pickin em up like the Trades and riding together til it's time for a new heading.


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## nonpartisanartisan (Nov 2, 2009)

*Mad Dog's Advice...*

Finding the spouse and then trying to bend them to share your passions is a recipe for a headache, or at least an earache.

Mad Dog (not on this forum) recommended spending two weeks in close quarters with your potential spouse with the knowledge that things will never really get better in the relationship than they are in those two weeks.

This is where you find out that you cannot tolerate their personal hygeine and they cannot tolerate your "sergeant major" attitude to doing some things. I could rant that before I got married my fiance stalled on me buying a 17' Siren - yet I know I was still free to make my own decisions and simply was blind to how the only boat she would go on was a cruise ship. To me a cruise ship is a prison ship to me, that ain't sailing, but she wants it since they cook, clean and do everything else. Also odd is I get seasick on a Caribbean cruise ship but not in a 14 foot dink heeled in 20 knot winds with a 6 foot chop racing in the ice cold water of Lake Ontario. Ah.. the screaming and breaking fiberglass in the afternoon. Sounds like... panic.

I believe that to get the spouse interested there are four key steps:
1) Is there any interest... for my wife there never was and she gets seasick riding in a car heading for a cruise ship. 
2) Awareness of communication (search out the four horsemen of the apocalypse as discussed in Blink and find out if one of the key four communication blocks are being thrown - both in the proposal and later in life on board.)
3) A common agreement in advance as to what is involved - you cannot skip and cook at the same time, they need to study to be able to helm and navigate should something happen, personal hygiene & environmental issues - someone here could probably provide a better list than me
4) Reopening the conversation after each trip to what worked, what didn't and how to improve things. Some people are afraid to talk about how to change things in a productive manner and find it easier to pick a fight and use that as an excuse not to go back on the boat and not to let you go back yourself.

Do I know this from sailing? No, she didn't let me get the Siren. I learned it from a variety of other efforts... canoe, bike, camp, ski cross country, ski alpine, ... (the list is long.) The compatibility issue is strange.

- Ron


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## St Anna (Mar 15, 2003)

OK mate.

A yacht can be a small space and you guys are going to have to sort out jobs/roles etc. I look after the physical sailing and maintaining the engine and other heavy stuff. My wife is the catering officer, but I can cook/clean & she can sail/ keep watch etc. She does any teak sanding/varnishing/oiling of the boat. I go up the mast for example. We know our territory and dont overstep without asking. Oh we do fight as per normal - just give some space and sort it out later.

As a partnership - you both have to plan and decide where/how/how long etc. We (hopefully) go about boat tasks including anchoring without speaking - no need, we know what the other is about to do. That takes time to sort out. 

There are thousands of guys on boats who were Captain Bligh's and were given a choice - the boat or the wife! Dont join their ranks. 

I would also say - go for a small trip and make sure it all goes well, then go a bit further. "Happy wife= happy life" and you guys are in this adventure together - you are not on a Royal Navy Destroyer, so dont turn into a jerk.

Good luck


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## Faster (Sep 13, 2005)

St Anna said:


> OK mate.
> 
> A yacht can be a small space and you guys are going to have to sort out jobs/roles etc. I look after the physical sailing and maintaining the engine and other heavy stuff. My wife is the catering officer, but I can cook/clean & she can sail/ keep watch etc. She does any teak sanding/varnishing/oiling of the boat. I go up the mast for example. We know our territory and dont overstep without asking. Oh we do fight as per normal - just give some space and sort it out later.
> 
> ...


Nicely said!!


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## lshick (Apr 24, 2009)

As I read it, you've got the girl and the dream, and you are trying to figure out how to keep them both (together with you). 

My advice is to start VERY early (25 years is not too soon) and take VERY small steps. Visit the same favorite anchorage over and over, until maybe she asks for something new. The most important thing is that she needs to feel that your collective skills (yours and hers) are up to the demands the situation is placing on (the two of) you, or might place on you. Not to use a blunt instrument: she needs to have absolute trust in you in the sailing environment. 

The more you can do to make her feel in control and competent, the better. When she's comfortable single-handing your boat, go get your ticket punched, because you've got it made.

Now and then you will screw up. I have, and do, and more often than my self-image has room to accept. If she can't give you absolute trust, etc., even with those events in your history, then the situation can't be saved, and that's a no-fault statement. When I screw up (most recently running aground on a rock ledge in the Perlas Islands on the Pacific coast of Panama) my wife gets very quiet, until I explain the tactical situation, and she understands what the options are, what the tradeoffs are, why I'm doing what I'm doing, and what I need from her (keeping her busy keeps her quiet) and what to expect.

Outside the portholes just now, it's pissing down rain here in Guatemala, with one Pacific low, one Atlantic tropical storm (Ida), and the tail end of a north Atlantic low all within a few hundred miles of us. We've come 10,000 miles since we left San Francisco 5 years ago. We're still speaking to each other.

Good luck.


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## sab30 (Oct 11, 2006)

lshick said:


> As I read it, you've got the girl and the dream, and you are trying to figure out how to keep them both (together with you).
> 
> My advice is to start VERY early (25 years is not too soon) and take VERY small steps. Visit the same favorite anchorage over and over, until maybe she asks for something new. The most important thing is that she needs to feel that your collective skills (yours and hers) are up to the demands the situation is placing on (the two of) you, or might place on you. Not to use a blunt instrument: she needs to have absolute trust in you in the sailing environment.
> 
> ...


Perhaps to clarify..most guys seems to be trying to get their wife to go and mine is already willing and excited for our future adventure. We have owned a boat doing lots of weekends/anchorages and a couple of week+ charters in different locations always having a good time...but....

we always have our own careers friends etc to come back to giving us that time apart....

Living full time in close quarters for a year plus? Sometimes I question how thats possible without killing each other (not literally  ) Im interested in hearing how others have worked through this....


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## Faster (Sep 13, 2005)

We've been married for nearly 35 years, sailing together for nearly 30 - and both pretty much started as novices at the same time (with different degrees of enthusiasm to start with)

For most of the past few years our schedules have permitted us to sail for 6-8 weeks straight throughout the summer. As you say that's a lot of close-together time.. 24/7.

To be honest I find that kind of togetherness easier on the boat than elsewhere... things sometimes get a little testy after a long weekend confined to the house... We do have our own interests and hobbies apart, but of course on the boat they're not available.... yet (IMO) we get on even better 'out there'... FWIW


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## lshick (Apr 24, 2009)

Ah, _mea culpa_. Can't help you with that question. Hasn't been a problem for us.


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## sailingdog (Mar 19, 2006)

If you're already married, then I would highly recommend getting, reading and then giving your wife the book, Changing Course, by Debra Anne Cantrell.


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## osirissail (Oct 27, 2009)

Secret to happiness in a sailing couple - the guy keeps a 4 inch piece of teak in his pocket and whenever his other half asks something less than intelligent, he bites hard on the teak until he is able to patiently answer her question and give encouraging guidance. After a while she will learn - nobody gets it all instantly - and you will learn to hold your tongue until you can respond with respect and compassion.


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## JiffyLube (Jan 25, 2008)

I think the most important thing to do when considering a prospective mate for the sailing life, is to 'sea trial' the prospective mate. You'll save a lot of frustration over finding out after the fact.


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## eryka (Mar 16, 2006)

sab30 said:


> Living full time in close quarters for a year plus? Sometimes I question how thats possible without killing each other (not literally  ) Im interested in hearing how others have worked through this....


Married 26 years, starting our 8th year living aboard, here's the magic secret we learned: when you're never more than arm's length from each other, you have to redefine "privacy." There's no such thing so you give each other virtual privacy. That means, you're going to overhear each other's bathroom noises. Pretend you didn't. You'll overhear each other's cellphone conversations. Don't comment unless invited. If one is on the computer, No shoulder surfing by the other! Don't read of look at anything the other is writing, sketching (insert your hobby here) until invited, etc. That respect for us has been key.

Also, each of us has given each other the right to define their own non-negotiables. Accept without discussion. Our rule is "whatever makes you feel like you're camping out" is a non-starter. You don't have to justify your quirks, and the other isn't allowed to question the quirk. None of this is really any different than how you'd live together on land - it's just magnified in the tiny boat space.

Oh yeah, and in any sailing situation, the one with the more conservative take always wins. If I want to reef and he doesn't - we reef. If he wants to stop early and I hoped to press on - we stop.

I dunno, works for us.


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## blackbart500 (Sep 18, 2009)

*song*

i think my wife is trying to tell me something, after i bought my new boat, a pearspn 26 , she keeps singing i will sail my ship alone.


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## sailingdog (Mar 19, 2006)

Is that why your dentist keeps having to remove splinters from your gums???



osirissail said:


> Secret to happiness in a sailing couple - the guy keeps a 4 inch piece of teak in his pocket and whenever his other half asks something less than intelligent, he bites hard on the teak until he is able to patiently answer her question and give encouraging guidance. After a while she will learn - nobody gets it all instantly - and you will learn to hold your tongue until you can respond with respect and compassion.


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## osirissail (Oct 27, 2009)

YES! - - In a more serious vein - patience and "not pushing it" also greatly increases the chances a "wary" wife will take to cruising. Too many of us push the boat and weather conditions to the max before the "new to cruising" significant other has developed a sufficient background in the joys and benefits of cruising. Get her percentages of "good and great" cruising experience up to above 90% before taking her out in "Oh, my gawd, we going to die" conditions.


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## CaptainForce (Jan 1, 2006)

When my wife and I married she was already well aware of my dreams of living aboard and cruising. We bought our first boat and moved aboard fresh out of college when all we owned could fit in our car. Even though we've lived aboard for almost forty years I probably have little advice for those planning to adapt because we never moved from a house or a large space. It is true that after retirement we spend much more time together, but as posted earlier, we can be close yet independent in our activities. Planning, compromise,- everything is negotiable......the same behaviors that allow for success on land will apply to life on the water. 'take care and joy, Aythya crew


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## imagine2frolic (Aug 7, 2008)

sab30 said:


> Perhaps to clarify..most guys seems to be trying to get their wife to go and mine is already willing and excited for our future adventure. We have owned a boat doing lots of weekends/anchorages and a couple of week+ charters in different locations always having a good time...but....
> 
> we always have our own careers friends etc to come back to giving us that time apart....
> 
> Living full time in close quarters for a year plus? Sometimes I question how thats possible without killing each other (not literally  ) Im interested in hearing how others have worked through this....


Just possibly this year wiull teach you both. To appreciate each other's qualities that much more!.............*i2f*


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## nemier (Jul 9, 2005)

sab30 said:


> A lot of comments regarding how to get the "wife" to go on a multi year cruising adventure, BUT sometimes I think to myself that could be the biggest challenge. Little things can get annoying after a couple weeks of too much time together but every minute....every day... together...perhaps this is the reason for the Rum


When you get out sailing, you drop life as you know it right now. At least we do. We are immediately free of stress and the consumer environment and glad to leave it behind. We shift our attention to where it belongs, each other, and those are beautiful days. We are happy to get out on the boat and often save important conversations to discuss them on the boat, free from distractions. I think that there will be a natural settling-in period, but after that you'll both love the union you'll re-discover with each other and the connection to the world, which we do not get at home.


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## braidmike (Sep 3, 2003)

sab30 said:


> Perhaps to clarify..most guys seems to be trying to get their wife to go and mine is already willing and excited for our future adventure. We have owned a boat doing lots of weekends/anchorages and a couple of week+ charters in different locations always having a good time...but....
> 
> we always have our own careers friends etc to come back to giving us that time apart....
> 
> Living full time in close quarters for a year plus? Sometimes I question how thats possible without killing each other (not literally  ) Im interested in hearing how others have worked through this....


For what it's worth: My partner and I have lived together for over twenty years now, almost always in very close quarters. With thanks to those who have given us examples to follow through the years, here are some of the things that work for us.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
1. No secrets. Seems simple; after some practice it really is.<o></o>
2. Trust. Naturally follows the above, but takes a bit more time to develop.<o></o>
3. Respect. Boundaries, time, space, and personal. <o></o>
4. Sharing. We tend to share friends, careers, and interests. Many times we take a few minutes while reading a good book to stop and read passages aloud to one another. Not sure why that is such a big thing, but it is...<o></o>
5. Communication. We practice, practice, practice. I really like the previous post about even anchoring and not having to speak, because you know what the other is thinking/going to do. It only comes with being as open as possible at all times.<o></o>
 <o></o>
Rereading this sounds kind of preachy... don't mean it to. It has been nice to talk about this ourselves that last day or so and try to define what makes us 'work'. <o></o>
 <o></o>
On a practical note: we have our spheres of expertise, and respect the talents of the other in those areas. I am not allowed to apply varnish on anything visible, for instance. We read quite a bit, and when the other is immersed in a good book, that seems to meet the need for 'alone time'. While there are the typical pink and blue tasks, we both can and do both on a regular basis. We do not shy away from expressing ourselves regarding 'small bothers'. Better to keep everything above board, open and immediate.<o></o>
 <o></o>
Marie speaking: Why do you have separate spheres now? Is it masking personal differences not readily apparent? Do these 'differences' that do not affect a great personal relationship when given the space on land threaten to disrupt that relationship when confronted an hourly basis in close quarters? <o></o>
We have found that one person cannot meet all/every need of another human being. There must be an understanding that personal needs (of whatever type) need to continue to be met outside the primary relationship, and one cannot assume the responsibility of meeting every need of the other in a relationship. Strategies must be in place, planned for when possible. For example: A trip home, abrupt change in plans, FLEXIBILITY above all. Keep your personal interests active.


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## Stillraining (Jan 11, 2008)

We have found the secret lies in 
the fact that .....She keeps to her half of the boat and I keep to mine...


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## sailorgirl60 (Sep 15, 2008)

Braidmike-

What a very, very nice post. Thank you- my significant other and I consider ourselves fortunate that MOST of the time we're on the same page. After we completed our first winter onboard a couple of aquaintances said, "Wow, we were wondering if you would make it!" We looked at each other like they were totally nuts! Again, thanks for the insight.


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## agrainofsand (Jul 19, 2009)

Get rid of the wife and singlehand, YOU WILL BE MUCH BETTER OFF


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## St Anna (Mar 15, 2003)

:laugher Get her to live with the in laws for a few years. The lady referred to as '_The wife"_ will be quite amenable to any suggestion!!

Destined to fail before it starts imho


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## SanDiegoChip (Jun 12, 2007)

*lots of communication and patience*

My friend that I went to sail classes with wanted a sail boat. He was a year or two into his marriage. We, in the mean time bought a 30' Catalina sail boat. We offered for him and his wife to come by on the 4th to watch the fireworks. They did and she said she could never be again on a boat like this. 1983 Catalina 30' boat. She wanted a large power boat if she were to ever go out on a boat.
A couple years latter I saw them at the marina, baby in tow. I asked him how he ever got here down here again. He said he waited a bit then got her to a boat show. She saw all the fancy 36',38' and 45' etc sailing boats with the wine and flowers. All spanking new and clean, now bird sh.. etc on them. She said she would go on one of those. He then joined a sailing club. They do all the cleaning and upkeep. That's why they were at the marina. To go take out the Hunter that was all ready for them. I learned when I wanted to upgrade to a larger boat that I would not show my wife an old bird pooped boat that I saw as a future beauty. I would find a real beauty and then show here. In other words she may not see what you see. 
I also read that if you would like to get your spouse interested in sailing take them out on a beautiful 50 something footer on a beautiful day for a day sailing. Remember camping is a lot of work for a woman and she looks at a boat as more camping. I do the dishes and the cleaning and a lot of the cooking. My wife has since learned how to sail the boat! She can dock it etc. She is a bit intimated about it's size (we did get a 36 footer) that she helped pick out. It can work out and there needs to be lots of communication and patience. Lots of safety for comfort and sailing for comfort not adrenalin sailing. Also a clean comfy head. We have installed a Vacuflush toilet with a house hold size bowel and my wife (and I) love it. The head is real import to the woman in your life be it wife or daughter or whomever. 
Hope this helps


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## TSOJOURNER (Dec 16, 1999)

As new live aboards my husband and I have grown much closer. You have too. We've found we get along much better when we are on the water or in strange places. We rely on each other and it has helped our marriage immensely. We do have our given "jobs". I am the experienced sailor therefore spend more time at the helm especially in unfamiliar waters. We bought two way head phones for anchoring as we can't see each other to use hand signals nor can he hear me, it has made anchoring a breeze. He tends to the engines although I can do most things as well (except going up the mast), as can he (cooking is still questionable). I told my husband about my dream of sailing 1 year after we were married. It took him about 30 seconds to warm to the idea although he had never sailed. We visited my dad on his cat and he was sold. When we were looking for our boat we both made a list of what was most important to us. We made very few compromises but found what suited us both best. 

By the way, we are both Rum drinkers and rum-thirty comes whenever it's needed, unless we're underway.

Good Luck.


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## StoneAge (Sep 28, 2007)

Sounds to me like you have a gal that wants to go. What you waiting for? Get on with it. 

My gal an I met when I was living on a 26' Grampian. She has 2 kids so it was even more of a thinking procedure when it came time to make the move. Great gal, Great kids so I told her what I was doing (going sailing) and she said immediately, Could she come.. We kept the Grampian for several years and I moved into a house. Ugh. When the time was right (5 years ago) we sold the house and the Grampian, bought a 60' cutter and are heading out southbound late this summer. 

We have lived aboard (all 4 of us) for 5 years now and are very happy and content. BOTH kids are heading offshore with us (girl 18 and boy 16). 

What I had to do was slow down my dream for a little bit to accommodate what my gal needed (and deserves). Yes, we have a big boat, everyone has their own room and it had to be a sailboat. That was the only criteria I had. Everything else was up to her. 

We are putting final touches on her this winter and heading up Vancouver Island in June, around to Uclulet, then Mexico and beyond. 

It's the best "waiting" time I have ever had. 

You got the girl.. And the time. Have you got the money? (I can show you how to get that too - PM me) Doesn't have to take much. $1,000 a month if your really frugal and like anchoring. $2,500 a month if you're liking a bit more out of your cruise. There are lots of places you may not even be able to spend that much. 

Get out here and have fun. And thank your lucky stars that you found a gal that WANTS to do what you do. 

There are basically 2 rules to follow..

1) Don't sweat the small stuff
2) It's all small stuff.

That's what life is all about.


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## CaptainForce (Jan 1, 2006)

'closing in on forty years of living aboard and cruising!
















The last house we lived in was our parent's houses & we were teenagers. 'take care and joy, Aythya crew


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